Ryo-Ri-Oh!
by spoonerdog123
Summary: When his airship is taken over by his old nemesis, Pegasus, Kaiba is not amused - and he's even less amused when he finds out that he and the rest aren't participating in a card game tournament anymore. Try 'reality cooking show'... (Collab fic with Sass-bot)
1. Trollogue

**Prologue...?**

The great Winged Dragon of Ra, in all its shining glory, turns its head towards him; his heart skips a beat as the heat of its glare washes over him. It is a creature of fire, he knew that well before the thing appeared, but he never expected its gaze to be quite so _intense_, complimenting the beautiful deadliness of its immense claws, built to shred; not to mention the enormous, intimidating fangs he can see as it opens its mouth a little-

_Don't look._

With an effort, he keeps his own gaze straight, staring directly into the eyes of his opponent; the pure hatred he finds there. The thing screeches out a raucous challenge, saliva dripping from its teeth and spittle spraying in every directions - and all he does is brush away a single white bang which dared to cross his line of sight. He is no fool, of course; he knows that he is about to die. But at the same time, he knows that this death cannot be avoided, and he definitely doesn't want to show fear in his final moments; he can't give his enemy the satisfaction of seeing him flinch.

He can sense his companion watching him; violet eyes boring into his back, likely filled with - no, it's not likely - it's a hundred percent certainty; because he _knows _that those lavender eyes are glimmering with worry, because it wouldn't be any other way. Whether the man behind the man is worried about himself or his acquaintance or both is anyone's guess; but from what the fighter's seen so far, his companion is likely to be worried regardless.

"Do you forfeit?" The sound carries above the fearsome snarls of the god, snapping the young man out of his reverie. His opponent's sneering now, hoping to catch him off guard and get a wince out of him, but the teenager just stares him down, wooden smile on his lips, staring and staring until eventually his enemy's smirk goes plastic, then fades to a slight twitch on an otherwise irritable visage. "Well?"

The young man's lips spread even wide in a grin, even though the one he's fighting for can't see it - and that's probably a good thing, because his expression at that moment is a sight more disturbing than the monster he faces. The grin slashes his features clean in two, distorting an otherwise normal face to nightmarish levels as he mouths two simple syllables. He yells them out a moment later - and doesn't know if he's reassuring himself, or reassuring the person behind him.

"Never!"

Right on cue, the god's mouth opens, a beam of light shoots out towards him; a lightning bolt that slams into his chest, causing him to stagger - and the enormous fireball of colourful oranges and yellows has him airborne, the deck of the airship falling away from him as he flies. The force of the blast sends adrenaline pumping through his whole body - to be honest, he can't help but burst out laughing, cackling even as his skull hits the steel-plated wall behind him with a sick _crunch_, his shoulders shaking as he slides down, until they can't because they've burnt away. That's when he realizes that his whole body is dissolving, crumbling into ashes as it's eaten at by fire and shadow, half of him gone before he's even met the deck.

Is this the end?

...No, it's too soon for him to go out.

He will be back.

He_ is _the darkness.

The shadows cannot hold him forever.

As he hits the metal deck of... of... of whatever he was standing on, he doesn't remember anymore - but at any rate, as he hits it, he feels a surge of energy pass through what little of him remains, as the flames streak up his neck, up the sides of his face, and then-

Darkness.

* * *

And then, _not-darkness._

With a groggy sort of snort, he looks around the room he is now in; it is not the place he was in before, and not the place he should be in now. No, it's just an ordinary bed in an ordinary sort of room. Ordinary; beneath him, a place he has no desire to be in, and yet there he is...

Yes, _there he is!_ Because he _is _there! He rolls one shoulder, then the other, giggling drowsily as he does so, remembering how hard he laughed when the fireball hit hi-

Suddenly, the giggle catches in his throat - he coughs, then breaks out into an all-out cackle, harsh echoes bouncing off the walls as he sits up, zombie-like, realizing exactly how much damage he took - he _died_ - and yet he is still alive. Raised from the dead... no, _resurrected_, he decides. Yes, resurrected, rising above all those useless mortals, his body undestroyable, and perfectly poised to take his revenge-

-or, he _would _be, if only darkness doesn't happen to cloud his vision at that point, his head feeling light. It's not long before he finds himself sinking deep into the murky netherworld of the other place, the only thing undead about him being the drool going all over his chin as he flops back on the pillows, jaw hanging slack.

_...Goddammit._

* * *

He lies there for some time, time which he cannot measure, seeing as he is not conscious. However, the reader should probably know that just a few minutes into his latest coma, one brainwashed slave - I _mean_, one of the few females existent in this whole show - steps into his room. She's a dainty sort of thing, with brown hair in a neat little bob, and eyes big and innocent; one might expect her to scream or jump back when she sees the psychopath passed out on the mattress.

Only thing is, it's _not _her. It's not her consciousness looking out of those eyes, it's not her mind working her legs and making her come nearer - it's the psychopath's companion from before who's technically telling her to pull the blankets over the unconscious form of Ryou Bakura, the man behind the man who makes her giggle a little when he sees the drool of the guy who did sort of try to help out.

If only she had a camera - or maybe not, because maybe her controller can make her take one, take some photos...

With that in mind, she tiptoes out; it's an action more in the interests of drama than worrying about waking up He Who Recently Took A Fireball To The Face, but it _does _disturb Bakura's sleep a little less than, say, charging out of the room with a wild whoop.

The controller's going to be saving _that _one until he's got the photos.

* * *

**END**

**(And so, Bakura loses all his dignity.)**

* * *

**UAB (Unnecessary Author's Babble)**

Things to note:

- This is a collab fic with Sass-Bot - there actually two very different versions of the piece, one on my account and one on hers. However, the first chapter is identical in both fics, and we are posting at the same time. **Follow this story, and you'd be well advised to follow hers; the link is on my profile.**

- This fic is going to take a turn for... something very _different _during our next chapter. Don't judge it just yet, hmm?

- Ryo - Ri - Oh means 'King of Cooking'.


	2. Prologue

**Prologue**

* * *

The craft was indeed majestic as it soared through the foggy night time sky, carving a path through the clouds before it, steam rising behind as dewy moisture hit the red-hot exhaust pipes. Hunched over the controls in the cockpit, the owner supposed he should have felt some sort of elation, sitting as he was in a wheeled office chair, confident in the knowledge that no-one could share in such a scene; there were others on board, he guessed, but not _here_. With the triple-locked, vacuum-sealed door and the thirty or so vigilant guards, they could never enter, never gaze out of the windows and admire such a splendid view. This was a glorious solitude, enjoyed by him and him alone; the very pinnacle of what the word 'billionaire' entailed.

And yet this realization did not bring with it any elation; perhaps because of his constant thoughts of work and worries - no, not worries, only plans filled his mind and nothing more - or perhaps because the young man didn't exactly consider high views important. High-rise buildings made him think all too often of when his adoptive father had dived out of a window - if only that place had been just a few dozen stories lower, the young CEO wouldn't have had to go through all those tiresome lawyers waving their paychecks in his face-

**WHAM!**

The thought was gone, as the young man bolted upright in the chair - back ramrod straight, and his eyes blazing with a cold fury. His neck whipped around, once left, once right, as he searched for the source of the noise on the cameras of the ship, his whole body tensing, muscles like coiled watchsprings. And then, on one of the cameras, he saw it; a blurred, dark _thing_ - a missile, perhaps, or a very large bird...

One thing was for sure, however: Something had just slammed itself into the side of Seto Kaiba's multi-million dollar, highly exclusive, VIP only aircraft.

Which basically meant that someone was going to _pay _for such an atrocity - and be that in money or beatings or both, it didn't exactly matter at this stage. Pale, slender fingers clawed at a mess of wires to Kaiba's left, extracting a small microphone from in their midst.

"Flight Kaiba to Control Tower Three-Four-Seven! Flight Kaiba to Control Tower Three-Four-Seven! We have an interception, I repeat, we have an interception!" He tried his best to convey as much urgency as possible through his voice, almost casually letting whoever was on the other end know that his or her head was inches away from the chopping block.

"Hello, this is Pegasus's Pizza Services, how may I hel-"

With a terrible yowl, Kaiba hurled the microphone halfway across the luxurious cabin, snatching up another in its wake. "Flight Kaiba to Control Tower Thre-"

"Yes, yes, and I'm Pegasus of Pegasus's Pizza Services. Do you want a pizza, or-"

Another microphone went to meet its maker, this time crushed under the unforgiving heel of a steel-capped boot.

"Flight Kaiba to-"

**WHAM!**

The craft trembled from nose to stern with the impact, and another intercom was snatched up and screamed into; a sound of undiluted rage that may have borne some resemblance to the words "Flight Kaiba to Control Tower Three Four Seven", assuming the many expletives and short tangential rants were removed. There was a dreadful silence thereafter, disturbed only by the gentle humming of the air-conditioner, the slight whisper of the wind outside.

What disturbed Kaiba was what came from not just the little speaker in the intercom, but from every speaker in the _room_ several seconds later, a sound so loud that it made the whole floor shake, and the brunette twist his head away from the intercom in pain.

"It's Pegasus's Pizza Services, Kaiba-boy!"

The brunette snarled in dire fury, even as every screen on his control panel flickered to show an image of a very smug looking man wearing a black cap and holding a pizza box, gazing adoringly at him from the camera.

At some point, incoherence crossed the line to coherence, and so Kaiba burst out with a single word, so enraged that you could hear the italics in all their accented, spit-ridden glory:

"_Pegasus!_"

"Yes, that is who I said I was - Pegasus of Pegasus's Pizza Services. But, presto!" With a flourish, the cap was swept off; a piece of pizza removed from the box and eaten. "How do you like my _disguise_, Kaiba-boy? Very crafty, no? I'm sorry if I surprised you when I just _appeared _like that." A pause, while the man ate a second slice of pizza on at least thirty screens - and that was in the cabin alone. The CEO couldn't possibly tell whether or not this footage was being broadcasted to screens outside of the cockpit - and even if it wasn't, there was a distinct possibility that a pre-made video was being aired there. Or even - what if _his _video was pre-made? Kaiba was not one to believe in magic, of course, but Pegasus did seem to have uncannily good prediction abilities.

"I have to say, I always wanted to be a pizza boy when I was your age."

Kaiba gritted his teeth at the sight of his enemy, fingers now gripping the panel before him so tightly that the knuckles went yellow. "What do you want? If you're just here to taunt, I would recommend that you give me back control of my ship and let me go before you waste your brea-"

"After all this effort? Oh, no, no - I couldn't do that, Kaiba-boy!" The man's expression went plaintive, almost pleading, if it hadn't carried a certain sort of _pity_ in it; the sort that Kaiba was all too desperate to take and shred into a thousand tiny pieces. "I mean - ever so much effort went into hacking into your computers to make you stop, and now one of my very little planes is towing your simply _enormous_ blimp, which is actually rather light, into airspace high over the sea, where... well, I suppose I just wanted to go in that direction."

Here, there was a condescending grin from Pegasus, the sort that said '_There is a reason for my taking you in that direction, but you'd never understand it' , _the sort that made the CEO want to absolutely _murder_ the sender of it; it was the sort one would normally see gracing the face of some advertiser attempting to convince some hyperactive six-year-old of the merits of this _one _toy, it's _so _cool and _so _awesome, you've just got to totally have it. To make matters worse, Kaiba had seen that smile far too many times; always right before some sort of barbed passive-aggressive taunt-

"Hacking into your computers was really great fun, Kaiba-boy! You might even be a good programmer someday!"

Kaiba let loose with a savage, guttural, utterly untypable growl, the rough meaning of which was probably '_Get on with it!'_

"Oh! Um! As for what I want..." A tilt of the head, not unlike that of some exotic tropical bird. "I seem to have forgotten. But! But!"; and here a questing hand waved excitedly in the air, Kaiba's lip curling in sheer contempt at the sight of such a gesture; "But! I know some great games we can play! Just let me think, let me think..."

And with that final remark, Pegasus removed another slice of pizza from the box, the brunette's eyes narrowing to near slits of fury as the other man chewed reflectively. "Games, games, games. I know lots of great games, I've sold lots of great games, I love playing little mind games, ohhh, I don't knowwww, games, games, so many games, maybe I should get a catalogue, I really do like them ever so much…"

After perhaps thirty seconds of this, Kaiba decided that he couldn't take it. "Look, will you just _spare_ me the whole kiddie act, and just-"

Brown eyes widened in mock surprise, a finger raising in a comical 'brainwave' gesture - Kaiba half-expected there to be a faint _ding _of accompaniment, perhaps even a cartoonish lightbulb appearing over the older man's head. "Ooh! Kaiba-boy! I have an idea!"

"Let me guess, it's Duel Monste-"

Much to Kaiba's abject horror, the triple-locks unlocked, the vacuum seal unsealed, and the doors to the cockpit swung open. In rushed the Friendship Brigade - "Are you alright, Kaiba?" "Kaiba, we were worried!" "Do you know what's happening?" "Moneybags, when are you gonna get off your bum?", some more unsavoury customers following them in with grunts of muted greeting - it was all the CEO could do to pull himself up to his full majestic height and fend the miniature crowd off with a frosty glare that caused a deathly silence to fall, his younger brother now standing protectively at his side.

"What is the meaning of this? Did Pegasus send you here?" He was hardly in the mood to deal with these jokesters; especially that Jonouchi and his stupid yelling.

_Does he ever shut up?_

A nasty laugh came from the speakers behind him. "Kaiba-boy, don't be so rude! To play games, you need _friends_. And who better than the people you invited, hmmm? Don't you remember when you were little, when your friends all came over to your house and you'd bake cake- Oh, wait. You didn't get that sort of thing. I'm ever so sorry, I really mustn't have been thinking- still, I suppose now's your chance to learn all about it. Isn't that nice?"

_Nice, my ass_, Kaiba almost muttered to himself, remembering just in time that Pegasus had access to at least thirty microphones in the intercoms alone, and therefore would be certain to pick up his words. And so instead, there was a silence, during which the man spread his arms wide in a welcoming gesture, face mockingly cheerful as he stared unblinkingly at Kaiba; great Kaiba, proud Kaiba, Kaiba now with shaking shoulders, fingers curling into fists, unable to answer the question.

Then, after a pause; "Oh, don't be so _shy! _You are all going to be great friends in my cooking show; I can see that already! And you really should consider performing a little bit for those cameras!" _Friends?_ Like he could ever be friends with Yugi Muto and his stupid posse. What kind of man did Pegasus take him for?

The brunette snarled and folded his arms at the Pegasus on the wall behind him, this one a small black-and-white image; though the lack of colour did little to mask the lack of any respect the man had for Kaiba. "And what happens if I decide to refuse to participate in this farce?"

And just for a second, one fleeting second, all pretence was dropped; the older man's voice dripping with an icy coldness that could have caused the Abominable Snowman himself to curl shivering in a corner, his gaze suddenly full of murder instead of playfulness. "That would be my lawyers versus yours. My _much better paid lawyers._"

A horrible silence followed, during which Kaiba realized that Pegasus was serious, deadly serious, his gaze promising so much more than a simple legal battle. And Kaiba may have been arrogant, but he was not stupid - and especially not when it came to lawyers.

"...Fine, I'll do it." He was disgusted by the utter defeat he heard in his voice and he knew that where Pegasus was involved, he wouldn't hear the end of it. He made a note to himself to enact a just revenge that would destroy that smug smirk and wipe it off of Pegasus's face.

To the relief of all in the room, back came the act - with a little clap of the hands that probably would have been more like to have been described as 'adorable' had it not been performed by a twenty-one year old. "Ohhhh, that's wonderful to hear from you, Kaiba-boy! I'll have to explain all the rules right away!"

Kaiba set his jaw and stared straight ahead.

Whatever Pegasus had planned, he was absolutely _certain _that he wasn't going to enjoy it.

**END**

**(And so, Kaiba had to share his exclusive scenic views with everyone else.)**

* * *

**UAB (Unnecessary Author's Babble)**

So, I was just wondering, and then I wondered about wondering, what a wonder it is...

- If you wonder why the fic started weirdo, or why there's two Prologues for that matter, check the chapter title of what was once known as the Prologue.

- If you wonder how exactly we write these, know that we collabed on the plot. After the summaries had been drawn up, I wrote this chapter, which Sass-bot then edited. It's the other way round for the chapters on Sass-bot's account; she wrote them, and I was the editor. The Trollogue on my account is the one exception to this rule; it was mostly Sass-bot's work.

- If you wonder why the summary changed, _don't._

- If you wonder what the difference actually _is _between my and Sass-bot's pieces, you should seriously check her story to find out.

- If you wonder why you should do that beyond curiosity... there's lots of things in here that aren't in hers, and vice-versa.


	3. Chapter 1

Fortunately for Kaiba's mental wellbeing at that stage, Pegasus's torturous image flickered, blurred, then died; an action imitated after a short delay by the many other screens in the room. After some seconds had passed, all that was left behind was a default blue fill, white text flashing across it –thankfully, this read 'No Signal', a fairly innocent message as opposed to the dreaded white text of the Blue Screen of Death (a literary piece known well in computer geekdom, and which here cannot be typed for fear of invoking its wrath).

Now, to any common onlooker, it might have seemed as though the system had merely suffered a restarting– perhaps there had been a brief power surge – but to Seto Kaiba, the technology was utterly infallible. His computers, simply put, did _not _merely 'crash'; they did not 'die' nor 'overheat'. They had been designed by him, of course, a veritable genius if ever was one, and so the concept of one of his creations failing was out of the question. No, there was only one possible reason for the sudden blanking of the screens, at least in Kaiba's mind – the oh–so–high–and–mighty Pegasus had simply _turned his back on him!_ He was being ignored - yet _another _insult to his face!

This was an outrage!

With the sort of roar that could have put Godzilla (or indeed, any carnivorous monstrosity) to shame, he threw his head back towards the ceiling, calling upon his tormentor: "Pegasus!" He paused, taking a huge breath; and then he absolutely _screamed_, mostly out of frustration, but partially because he just _could_, and get away with it: "Explain yourself!"

He could take things going wrong in his tournament - in fact, he already had, multiple times. For instance, he could deal with the seemingly random involvement of an underground criminal organization and he could deal with his own contestants falling into comas. It wasn't like either of those were exactly problems that he cared much for, anyway. But he could not, simply could _not_, tolerate this atrocity; this was a direct insult to his face! Pegasus was making his whole system look as though it were merely child's pla-

"Kaiba." That would be the over-cocky rival, of course. Yami Yugi - or, as some liked to call him, 'the other Yugi' (what a ridiculous concept!), was no favourite of Kaiba's. To be honest, beating that brat was a goal the brunette had been trying to add to his many accolades for years - it had been practically the whole reason for announcing the tournament in the first place. On Kaiba's acquisition of a God Card - and the sudden realization that Yami Yugi had still not moved to some more suitable place, which given his near-celebrity status was ridiculously lucky - the brunette had seen a golden opportunity immediately announced the thing with no small amount of fanfare. At long last, he could finally fight, on fair terms - no stupid Exodia cards could possibly beat _God_, after all. The plan had come so close to its completion - just as planned, Yami Yugi had boarded the airship as one of the eight finalists, he had made it to the final four, of which Kaiba himself was a member. Up until roughly fifteen minutes ago, the CEO had been absolutely certain of what would happen next: He would use the planned Battle Royale to his advantage, fighting no less than his rival in the second last round, then winning against the psychopath (mockingly in Yami Yugi's name, he had already decided on that), and taking home the prize money – money his own corporation, ironically enough, would owe him.

And even if his rival was now toting a God Card - which he definitely was, the brunette had seen Slifer with his own eyes - well, that just made things level, didn't it? Kaiba had never fought fairly with his competitor, and had been looking forwards to the feeling of crushing Yami Yugi's spirit for months since his plans first went into motion. He may have come off on top in their last match, but that was only because he had threatened to jump off the battlements of the castle they had been dueling on top of – and given that the whole scenario was Pegasus's fault, he probably would have done it, too. Even as he had strode away from his broken rival, he could not help but feel _cheated_ that Yugi had not pressed the attack despite Kaiba's threats, or found some clever way of bringing things to a draw - or, you know, hadn't just given in.

That wasn't all that was unsatisfactory, either - in all three of their previous clashes, the CEO had found their battles had been bestowed with a set of absolutely ridiculous rules (of Pegasus's invention, naturally!), where practically anything could happen if it was logical. That wasn't even taking into account the hallucinations of their first match, or that strange feeling of _pressure _in their second – not to mention his rival's obnoxious cheating. After all, no-one was supposed to be able to summon Exodia...

Yes, none of the matches had been in the least bit satisfying enough, and so Kaiba had put a great deal of effort into remaking the rules especially for his tournament, into crafting the Duel Disk so that no-one needed to hallucinate or feel as though they were, into making sure that the two players had to stand far enough from each other that they couldn't really intimidate. The next day, he would have stood facing his rival, and he would have absolutely _trampled _Yami Yugi under his designer heels, and he would have done it fairly, and that would have been the end of it.

_Except_, of course, that Pegasus had gone and shown up - and with that, shown _him_ up!

"We mustn't lose our cool, or we'll be playing right into Pegasus's hands. I don't like this either, but the best thing to do is to remain calm."

_Remain CALM?_

Needless to say, that sort of thing was absolutely the last thing Seto Kaiba wanted to hear. With a snarl, he turned his back on his rival, bringing his fist down on the dashboard - this sounded like a hammer, he decided, passing a final judgment. However, before the CEO could inform Yami Yugi of the fate he had meted out – and by extension tell him exactly _what _he should go and do with his 'destiny'-

"Hell_oooo_?"

_Does he ever give up?_

The screens remained inert, but the intercom shook with vibrations; a burst of static preceding a voice Kaiba certainly did not wish to hear. He did not move, remaining seemingly unaware of what Pegasus was saying - "Guys, I thought you were smart enough to figure this out on your own! I'm waiting for you in the kitchen!" - though of course, he was well aware of the speech, and seething a little more with every word; from the over friendly 'Guys' to the insult which followed, to the sing-song 'I'm waiting for you in the kitchen!'.

_Pegasus... What do you want? Why are you mocking me?_

"There's a kitchen on this blimp?" Kaiba did not even bother to glare at the mutt's impertinent question, because he was simply not worth wasting energy on. And speaking of _simple_, one glance at the blonde told him all he needed to know; the supposedly brilliant Katsuya Jounouchi was now drooling like the animal he so hated being called.

_How very ironic._

Speaking of dogs, there was at that point a noise which sounded a little like a puppy with its head stuffed in a wet paper bag. This was followed by a decidedly tense silence, before one of the group's number decided to speak: "So, what are we all waiting for?"

Kaiba sent a look of total disgust at the one he knew mostly as 'that green-eyed cheerleader' – _you're going to bow down to Pegasus, just like that? – _only to find that his gaze was carefully avoided. No doubt the teen did not wish to invoke the anger of the almighty Seto Kaiba.

Well, at least _someone _around here respected him.

* * *

The kitchen was, in a word, _enormous_ - from the great oak double-doors flaunting images of three snickering Blue-Eyes Toon Dragons, to the space itself. It was really more of a hall than a kitchen, in all honesty; pristine white benches lined up in rows along its leviathan length, neatly divided down the middle by a floor-to-ceiling set of shelves, cameras watching over each one from high above. With a finger to his earpiece -_ following Pegasus's orders, no doubt - yet another atrocity!_ - one of Kaiba's own men stepped past, calmly opening one the cupboards under each bench to reveal a veritable arsenal of practically every kitchen utensil ever devised. It took the brunette little time to realize that each bench was clearly intended to have one person working at it; each came quite clearly equipped with one oven, one miniature fridge sitting beside it, one chopping board, one clock (again bearing the likeness of those abominable Blue-Eyes Toon Dragons), and a screen mounted on the wall.

Suffice to say that Kaiba, as a man who greatly preferred saving money over spending it, would never have asked anyone to design something like this. Kitchens in the Kaiba household were large, certainly, but only due to the large number of servants working _in _them. This place was far larger than the kitchen at home, and looked to be set up with a far lesser number of chefs in mind.

In fact, it was almost as if it were meant to be used not for any practical purpose, but instead for some sort of a _show._

_A show… a cooking show…_

And suddenly, Pegasus's earlier words from when they were in the control room made sense. Some part of the CEO's mind automatically looked for an explanation as to how the other man had set all of this up right under Kaiba's nose, but there was seemingly no answer. One thing was for sure, however – Pegasus had planned this well before any of them had stepped on the airship, because how _else_ could he have created such a careful setup as this? The walls alone were an artistic masterp–

_The walls!_

And that is how, more or less, Kaiba came to be aware of the _main _affront, something so offensive that it caused the young man to glare frostily at Pegasus, unamused. The tormentor simply grinned broadly at him, as he did at them all, from a television on a wheeled stand, and with a soft _hmph_ the young man turned his eyes back on the walls, or more appropriately, the ghastly things they depicted.

You see, this was what Kaiba absolutely could not stand about the place. Walls were hardly an issue for the man who had built many of them, mental and physical (though obviously the physical ones were crafted more on his behalf than at all _by_ him) – but these monstrosities of plaster were an altogether different matter. The beautiful blank canvas had now been marred by some idiotic 'artist' – now presenting a truly bizarre tableau of the Toon World creatures Pegasus was so fond of, each in the act of leaping forth to steal away the dignity of their counterparts on the battlefield. The CEO's hands clenched when he saw what could only be the centerpiece of the gaudy affair: three Blue-Eyes Toon Dragons climbing atop _his _dragon with oversized hammers in their pudgy claws, raised comically over their enormous heads to strike. The other two of Kaiba's dragons were not faring well, either; the toons seemed to be everywhere. Kaiba's eyes definitely narrowed when he saw the second of his dragons - a log curling mustache was being drawn on his Blue-Eye's head. The kitchen was borderline acceptable, and the sight of the Red-Eyes Black Dragon being blown apart by its Toon counterpart wickedly toting a hand grenade was _almost _funny - but there was no way he would simply sit back and allow anyone to paint pictures of his precious Blue-Eyes being shamed in that way.

_If ever I catch that painter, I swear I'll take him by the neck and-_

"Remind me again, what _exactly_ is a kitchen doing this big in a dueling blimp?" All eyes went on the CEO, who whirled on Jounouchi, suddenly full of terrible fury. _One_ question from this moron was bad enough; but _two_ - and the latter question challenging his very authority? If Kaiba wanted a kitchen this big - not that this was the case, but let us suppose for a moment that he did - then he could have one! What did it matter if the airship was reserved for a tournament? It wasn't like anyone had _noticed _it until they'd just been shown it!

"Do I look like a mere _shipwright _to you?"

"Kaiba-boy had the ship made for him - and lucky me, I own the engineering company."

The CEO's neck made an audible _crack _as he turned back on the laughing image of the silver-haired man, reaching the screen in two quick strides. "I'll have your head for this!"

The gaze he received in reply was full of pure _murder_, though at least this time the voice remained light and lilting. "But Kaiba-boy! Don't you realize? I've been recording this ever you walked into the room!" Pyrotechnics went off with a _BANG_, the volume causing the brunette to take a small step back as sparks showered down around the group. It was a showy gesture, and one that quite clearly indicated that Kaiba was not about to get a word in edgeways.

"Welcome to my brand-new reality show - with some of the very best recording equipment available on the market, some of it not even _on _the market! Isn't it impressive?" Pegasus grinned goofily at the group, eye alighting on Kaiba for an instant. The CEO's lip curled in a silent snarl; but there was nothing he could do, powerless as he was. Slowly, haltingly, he took another step away from the screen, back towards the doorway...

Instantly, the other man's hands were flapping comically in the air, almost causing him to lose his balance as he shouted in mock panic. "No, no, no! This isn't right - do come in! Don't just stand in the doorway! No backing away! Gather 'round!" And then, when a suited man took the television's stand by the handles, pulling it backwards, further into the kitchen: "Oh no! I'm moving away! You had better hurry up!"

The group shuffled forwards a little, but it was fairly obvious that no-one actually wanted to get anywhere near Pegasus or whatever plans he might have at this poi-

**THUNK!**

Kaiba turned at the noise, noting with some dismay that there was now a meat cleaver lodged in the thick wood of the door behind them, neatly splitting the Blue-Eyes Toon Dragon logo in half.. Some part of himself seethed, despite the worry of being possibly stabbed - Pegasus was letting _common vagabonds_ onto his precious airship now?

_Honestly, when is he going to draw the lin-_

**THUNK!**

A second cleaver joined the first, quartering the dragon. The blonde Egyptian (currently holding more knives than should have been legal), grinned savagely.

"Care to move a little faster? I'm bored."

Needless to say, the group moved a _lot _faster after that.

* * *

Their attacker must have entered from the other end of the hall while Pegasus had been talking, Kaiba decided, through an equally large and conspicuous set of doors. The CEO had to admit that with the regal purple cape billowing behind him in a nonexistent breeze, and his blonde hair spiking out in a somewhat ugly halo around his head, he did look _somewhat _impressive, though not as impressive as Kaiba knew himself to look - likely because this guy had a similar look in his eyes to someone who has recently had their head smacked into a wall.

Leering nastily, the new arrival raised the carving knife he held in one hand, pointing it accusingly at the group - it was indeed an impressive point, not to mention a very _sharp_ one. Unsurprisingly enough, at least six knife - related puns went through the CEO's head at that moment; which we shall here eliminate for the clarity of the fic's reading (not to mention for our tortured readers, who somehow plough through the ceaseless pain of far too many terrible jokes shoved down their gullets by the Authors - or perhaps only _one _of the Authors is actually doing that, and maybe that one is the one on whose profile this half of the damn thing was posted in the first place - but that is enough of that).

After a short silence, the young man spoke; his voice filled with a very much aggressive sort of command. "Let's make this simple: Which one of you is the Phara- oh, never mind."

The madman's eyes focused on something behind Kaiba, and an arrogant sneer flickered across his features. "I see him."

With a swift grace seemingly born of practice, he flicked the blade back over his shoulder as if to throw, and the CEO automatically dived out of the way, dragging Mokuba along as he threw himself at the floor. His hands and knees scraped against the floor, but anything went when it came to Kaiba and self-preservation–

– though as it turned out, the move was completely unnecessary. The psychopath simply laughed long and loudly; mocking his efforts to live as he lowered the knife. "Nah... that wouldn't be _fun_ enough."

"I made a rule against it, too!", Pegasus warbled from the screen. "I should really explain those - though, _Kaiba-boy! _I didn't think that you were all that cowardly! A fierce lion like you, becoming all cowardly... oh wait, but there's a story all about it! I must have seen the musical so many times, I just love the lion in that - and do you know, the movie's going to be broadcasted right after this episode?" A confident wave at some invisible audience, Kaiba gritting his teeth so tightly that something popped in his jaw. "I honestly recommend it!"

With a growl, Kaiba got to his feet, his pride hurt more than his kneecaps. "The _rules_, rules."

_Ra above, if I have to get this twittering moron back on track ONE MORE TIME..._

**END**

**(Aaaaand so Kaiba lost his temper. _Again._)**

* * *

**UAB**

Random notings:

- Roughly 45,000 words of fanfic already written between us (eight chapters + one prologue + one trollogue, _each_). Four chapters written a week, updating the actual fic just once a week (every Saturday comes the crack fix). There's no backing out now!

- Google Doc is a truly wonderful tool for collabs.

- If you think this thing's crack, just wait until the God Cards get involved... Trust me, it just gets sillier from here. Bit of a slow start, but once we're past all the technicalities, I promise that things will *ahem!* _heat up_.

- I take no responsibility for the brain damage the fic may have caused y'all.

- Summary changed again. Honey-Spooner don't care~

- Said it once, said it twice, and now it's thrice: Go read Sass-Bot's fic. Rawr.


	4. Chapter 2

If Seto Kaiba had at all thought that Pegasus was at least going to slow down for his explanation of the rules, he had another think coming. The silver-haired man simply bulldozed through the ruleset, and little could get in his way.

"Oh! Yes! So, rule number one is no stabbing." A knowing glance at the knife - toter, who yawned loudly, baring his teeth in the process. "Number two, at least try to avoid profanity." A hard stare at Kaiba, then one at Jounouchi. "Number three, mind controlling is only okay if I don't notice that you're doing it. I know that some of you don't believe in it, but it could happen." A meaningful raising of both eyebrows at Anzu of all people - who to her credit, looked more than a little confused. "Number four, all cooking must be within the time limit. There are no exceptions, and no extra time will be given to anyone - I don't care how crazy things get, the show must go on! And number five, an ingredient list must be created one hour before the start of each challenge, so that I can go shopping. If any ingredients are missing, the time it takes for you to get your ingredients from the shops will be taken out of your cooking time - so you should be careful!

Kaiba snorted; a sarcastic gesture of objection at both the nature of the rules, and the general speed at which Pegasus had just blazed through them. "And how are we going to go grocery shopping - jump out of the blimp?"

A nonchalant hand wave accompanied just the sort of answer that was bound to make the brunette very angry; it seemed so very offhand, and yet it was delivered with the sort of precision that surely no improviser could have created:

"You're free to do that if you like, Kaiba-boy."

The temperature dropped by several degrees. "Why, you-"

"Aaaand that brings us to number six! No illegal substances that could affect the judges' decisi-"

"What sort of substances?" Mokuba's eyes had a cruel glint to them, and his brother had to hide a grin despite his current frustrations. After all, the boy was all too happy to attempt poisoning someone– and though the brunette generally disapproved of such actions, he was more than willing to allow it, if only it would remove Pegasus from the equation.

The older man frowned. "You know what I mean. Oh! And also-" - and here, Pegasus looked quite directly at Kaiba - "-don't go screwing the rules just because you have money. Rule seven is 'No Bribery', after all."

Silence.

_Silence._

And then, an absolute torrent of foul language, as Seto Kaiba unleashed every single obscene word and offensive phrase in his immense vocabulary, which spanned at least seven languages, not counting the dead and fictional ones. Somewhere in the middle, the speech - if it could be called a speech - gained a full backing track of muffled gasps and giggles from the group behind its deliverer - an audience utterly terrified of the insulter, and in some cases, horrified by the language, but at the same time immature enough to snicker at the sight of the normally inert CEO losing his cool.

The tsunami was only halted when, as Kaiba sought to draw in another huge breath and continue onwards, Pegasus squealed in mock horror, clapping his hands to his cheeks - "Oh-oh, Kaiba-boy! I think you just pulled this fic- I mean, I think you might have just pulled my poor show's rating up to M!"

Blue eyes blazed with a whole new sort of anger.

"I do believe you were asking for it, you m-"

**BLEEEEP!**

"-lollipop-"

**BLEEEEP!**

"-your father's old-"

**BLEEEEP!**

"-custard!"

Only now did Kaiba reel back from the megaphone that had just been shoved into his ear, with a sideways glare at the tall girl toting it; a bizarrely dressed affair of yellow silk and black ponytails. The look in her eyes was nothing short of amorous - he somehow wouldn't have been surprised if this was some type of fangirl; sensitive and insecure, desiring the company of her idol.

Except, of course, that she was brandishing a megaphone in in Kaiba's face, having nearly deafened him with something he now realized could well be a weapon in the right hands. He took a swift step backwards, determined to move to a position where the thing might be a little less likely to have his ears bleeding - "How _dare_ you! Who do you think you are? Some sort of-"

Seemingly without warning or reason, she smacked him across the nose with the fan she held in her other hand, sending him to the floor in one grand swipe. Again, the thing was something Kaiba had never actually considered to be anything less than ornamental, but which still proved to be an effective source of hurt. "Language!"

Over Kaiba's head, Pegasus crowed; "I nearly forgot to introduce you! This is our pretty hostess, Vivian Wong. Due to budget cuts, she's also our censor."

"And Yami-whammy's rival!"

The CEO got up, rubbing his jaw even as he glared at Vivian. "But I'm his ri-"

"Not anymore! I like him better than you do!"

The contradiction was so abrupt, so very stinging, that Kaiba couldn't help but make a very upset noise that sounded a little like an overheated steam train - though somewhere under the anger, he privately wished he could have seen Yami Yugi's expression at that little outburst. "What? I don't even li-"

**THWACK!**

Pegasus winced from the screen, though it could easily have been faked - and given that he was liable to fake any emotion to elicit a response from his opponent, this was likely the case. "Ouch. You two really don't get on well, do you?"

With a low growl, Kaiba slapped his assailant away, sitting up in order to glare at Pegasus and make some sort of comment-

-only to fall over backwards as, with a screech of "You don't slap women!", Vivian lunged for him.

Kaiba's ears were filled with the sound of Pegasus's giggles - "How silly of me, I accidentally switched off the cameras!", as Vivian then proceeded to beat the CEO unconscious; not that there was very much funny to be found about it, from Kaiba's way of looking at it. She must have known some sort of martial art - that much was obvious from the way she expertly dodged every time he tried to retaliate, and the incredible pain that came shortly after each of his attempts to throw her off - but knowing that she was skilled did little to soothe his burning pride. Here he was, being absolutely thumped by some woman; and not even a famous woman, and most likely a really whiny fangirl!

Luckily for his ego, his vision soon dimmed, and the last thing he heard before his world went silent was a single question from one of the others:

"Wait, so who let this girl on board?"

Kaiba was almost _happy_ to stop thinking at that point.

* * *

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Challenge One!"

Kaiba grimaced, stalking over to his place at a bench on the left side of the kitchen – where the rest of his team resided, unfortunately enough. Each of them had taken up positions on the left row of benches, standing ready and waiting for him to make some attempt at leading them in this latest brainchild of Pegasus's–

–oh, how he wished he could have called it 'Pegasus's stupidity'. The only problem with that was that the man had run circles around the CEO so far - somehow he was here, here against his will, leader of some silly team or other...

...yes, team, and it wasn't even a very _good_ team. The CEO had, for perhaps an hour after Vivian's savage beating, been unconscious; this had definitely been the best part of his day so far. After he had awoken, the next hour had been spent in not making a list of any description, as was asked of him by the oh-so-plaintive image of Pegasus (something Kaiba might have punched, had he not been smart enough to know that that the action would result in a fistful of glass shards), but was instead put towards working himself into a rage over what Pegasus had gone and done in his absence. After that, there had been an annoying little buzzing noise, then a voice saying 'Curtain call!' repeatedly, and at last a host of his own guards had appeared to forcibly remove him from the comforts of his room, and deposit him in a hateful little ball at the entrance to the dreaded kitchens.

From what he had managed to piece together from the excited shouts of his younger brother, It seemed that Kaiba was a leader of his very own team - Team Kaiba, in fact (What an original name, he snorted) - and a team that was in this competition to be facing Team Otogi - or as it was known in Kaiba's head, 'Team Random Green-Eyed Cheerleader'. The CEO had been surprised to hear the name at first - why had someone not more suitable, such as Yami Yugi or Yami Malik, been chosen? Why had he not been given an adequate rival?

He found out the answer to this question soon enough - in fact, as soon as he had clapped eyes on his teammates - and it was not one he liked at all.

Now, Kaiba's team was comprised of exactly half of those aboard the blimp, bar those unconscious and all guards but one, Otogi's team being composed of the other half – it was as though Pegasus had utterly failed to realize that the CEO worked alone for the most part. Mokuba and his trusty bodyguard Isono were good news –his little brother had chosen well in his stead – but being forced to work at all with that arrogant rival of his? Having to chop carrots whilst standing shoulder to shoulder with a total psychopath? Who had thought that was a good idea?

Well, evidently Pegasus had, because Kaiba's two major annoyances – which – he – actually – worried – about had now been assigned the roles of his teammates, completing the 'team'. Running through the team list as though it were an itinerary, the CEO found that it read more like a television listing of a soap opera:

**TEAM CONTENTS:**

– One annoying younger brother who couldn't cook if his life depended on it, rowdy and undisciplined.

– One honorable bodyguard who will do little unless told; this includes disciplining the younger brother and being at all protective.

–One smart–alec rival who I can barely stand the presence of, much less collaborate with.

–One utterly unhinged knife thrower, with a grudge against the previously listed teammate and a liking for killing and maiming (as a side note: Don't let him anywhere _near_ sharp objects).

It was almost painfully obvious that he did not want to work with them, and they did not want to work with him – or each other, for that matter. In fact, despite his being the team's glorious leader – something which might have given him a little pleasure if they had at least acknowledged his dominance –the whole group bar Isono had so far flatly refused to do his bidding. Not that Kaiba wanted to lead them anyway, that band of misfits who would never amount to anything (he quashed a 'hopefully' from this thought). In fact, he had made it extraordinarily clear to his fellow members, as they had stood waiting behind the huge double doors for Pegasus to open them, that if anyone thought that he was going to help them, they had another thing coming.

And though he was certainly not religious, he still found himself praying that they'd gotten the message.

* * *

**END**

**(And so Kaiba met the Jackie Chan of the YGO world... wait, what?)**

* * *

**UAB**

Eh, I is too sick for babbling. Go and look at Sass-Bot's side of things now if you haven't already, or I swear I'll hunt you down and cough my germs all over you when I'm better. (See, what little sense I have goes straight out the window when I'm sick...)


	5. Chapter 3

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Challenge One!"

_Oh, come on. I've heard this all before._

"In this challenge, Master Pegasus is thinking of a certain sort of sandwich! The objective for each team is to get as many of the ingredients he's thinking of into a sandwich or sandwiches as possible, given two hours. Points will be awarded to each team based on creativity, the number of ingredients you guessed correctly, and whether or not we can actually eat the sandwich. Points will be deducted for including Master Pegasus's least favourite ingredients, for eating the sandwiches –by which we mean yours _or_ the other teams' – for creating anything other than a sandwich, which is here defined as…"

Kaiba tuned out again - he had read through exactly the same spiel earlier, from a battered script one of his – now Pegasus's – men had presented him with. Repetition in general was meaningless to him, but even more so when it was such an idiotic thing to be saying – he understood why someone would want to re–explain a card ruling, for instance, but this… well, this meaningless gabble meant very little at all. For starters, the sandwich was for Pegasus – a big black mark in Kaiba's mental notebook – and it wasn't like he exactly _cared _about the whole s sandwich thing - _who the heck liked sandwiches anyway? _And speaking of caring, he cared even less about the possible punishment he might receive from refusing to play along with the other man's whims. Not caring, in Kaiba's experience, made a perfect defense - if the CEO didn't care, then the other man could not possibly embarrass him. He made sure to keep his face stony throughout the talking, quietly hoping to bore the audience senseless.

With a loud and almost insolent clanging, the starting gong went off, followed a moment later by the louder and most definitely insolent hollers of Maxmillion J. Pegasus; whose sole purpose in life appeared to be cementing himself a reputation in Kaiba's head as 'The World's Greatest Annoyance'.

"Get cooking!"

The CEO decided to execute the first of his plans to survive this ridiculous scenario with his sanity intact. After counting slowly to three, he left his post, striding over to the psychopath – Yami Malik, that was the name – who appeared to be bent over a lump of cheese. Seeing as Kaiba didn't particularly want a new meaning of the phrase 'shoulder blades' to be invented that day, he had decided in advance to intimidate him; nothing that would give Pegasus anything to _use _on the show, but just enough to guarantee his safety.

On arrival at the bench, he transfixed the other man with a steely glare. "I'll be watching. Don't you forget."

The madman grinned sickly in reply, removing a cheese knife from a drawer and – _did he just lick it? _– Kaiba decided that he didn't want to know what had been planned out in Yami Malik's sick mind. Mind you, the Egyptian seemed to be more than happy to explain: "Wanna see how much you're watching when I've re-"

**BLEEEEEEP!**

"Oh, come the-"

**BLEEP!**

"-on! I wasn't swearing, all I said was-"

"It would have still pushed up the ratings. You're not allowed to give graphic descriptions. _Sorry_." And with a flick of the head that clearly indicated that she was not sorry at all about nearly deafening the two duelists, Vivian moved behind the two of them in order to fuss over Yami Yugi – Kaiba resisting a very strong urge to strangle her as she mussed his hair and cooed. His rival's back was turned to the CEO, Kaiba being unable to see his face as a result – but _regardless_ of whether or not he happened to be enjoying the treatment, no–one had the right to treat his rival like that.

Except himself, obviously.

A sound best compared with that of fingernails on a blackboard made him turn in some confusion, though given that a psychopath, a bladed instrument, and half a dozen scratchable surfaces were in the same small area, he shouldn't have been surprised. In all actuality, Yami Malik was now using the cheese knife to gouge a thin line into the vinyl of the bench, emitting a series of low growls as he worked –_'Sheesh... How am I supposed to…any of you if I can't describe it… ridiculous…'_ – his face set in a dark scowl. The mood did not last long, however – his face cracked into a sick grin after only a few seconds.

After all, it was hard not to snicker at the sight of a shouting, screaming Seto Kaiba being dragged straight past him by four burly security guards. The more coherent areas of the argument went a little like this:

"How dare you take me to confession! I've done nothing!"

"That's the _point!_"

"Say what?"

Incidentally, following his witnessing of the scene (head tilted a little to one side in amusement, sporting a grin that would put the Cheshire Cat itself to shame), Yami Malik paused a moment in what was either thought or simply a struggle to decide what to kill first. After some time, he randomly and abruptly chose a target – the lump of cheese before him, easy enough to hit – and struck. Not in the _traditional_ manner, of course – for he did not merely _stab_, but _murdered_. This is how he did it; first, he raised the knife high over his head in a dramatic gesture, his whole body tilting backwards. After a slight pause for theatrical effect, he laughed, long and loudly; reveling in the pathetic little screams Vivian made as she became abruptly aware of the situation, and automatically assumed that he was about to plunge his blade deep into someone's heart cavity. And lastly, with a wild yet somehow coherent yell of"Time to die!", he swung; driving his weapon deep into the tender yellow of the cheese.

Vivian screamed loud and long and shrilly, then bounded forwards, chattering anxiously. ("Kaiba, are you okaaay? KAIBA!") The psychopath laughed in her face as she came towards him, and she flinched for a second – how he loved it when people were _scared_, when he laughed and they had to fight an urge to flee from the sound. Honestly, it was such _fun_ playing with weaker humans – toying with them, frightening them, hurting them only when they became boring, their screams dull and hoarse – and today was no exception.

And yes, the brief moment of entertainment was totally worth the terrific _thwack _Vivian dealt Yami Malik across the face just half a second later.

* * *

Kaiba had to say that Pegasus's smile was irritating beyond irritating, and even more so when projected onto a screen that made it seem larger than life. He had just gotten to his bruised knees, in a booth he was willing to bet was crafted from some sort of plasterboard, if not paper; the walls wrinkled with coats of uneven paint. The room was cluttered with cameras and microphones galore, the cords trailing across the stained carpet – this in turn caused the room to look much smaller than what it actually was. Sitting down on the floor of the booth (something he would not do under normal circumstances, but he supposed that he might just crack his head on the ceiling if he attempted to stand), the CEO felt a pang of… unease, yes, that was a good word for it. He felt uneasy, out of place – the room simply looked so fragile, so _cheap_. Really, it was _hardly_ a place for the glorious Seto Kaiba to be alone in–

"Welcome to the confessional booth!"

All right, so he wasn't _completely_ alone – there was a screen bearing Pegasus's grinning visage – but that was beside the point. The area was, simply put, _nasty _– in the same way cheap Halloween decorations that burn the eyes with their colours are _nasty. _This was certainly not a place for the CEO to be confessing to _anything_, and he had nothing to confess anyway – it was undoubtedly the wrong time _and _the wrong place for this tomfoolery.

However, since he knew that Pegasus wastrying to get on his nerves, he suspected that such timing for the move was deliberate.

"This is where you can talk about your drama, and I won't censor you! Isn't that great? See, we'll put the really naughty stuff in the uncut version. So, Question One: How do you like the new show?"

Sadly for the production team, Kaiba's explosive response was to prove far too dirty for even the uncut version of the show – or, indeed, this fic. It was, however, an extraordinarily impressive reaction, being loud enough (not to mention obnoxious enough) to shake the booth a little with its amplitude. It was, in the same way that Kaiba did anything, _grand –_ a certain swear word here, a powerful gesture of dubious nature there, a guttural roaring in the voice, a glaring confidence in the eyes – a truly incredible rant that could have put Seto Kaiba amongst the legions of the world's best whiners. It was a challenge, a scream of total rebellion, and it dared Pegasus to just _try _to attempt a comeback – _yeah, you just try it, snarl at me and __**die-**_

And yet, anyone hoping to see the other man rise to Kaiba's level of anger would have been disappointed; the silver–haired man remained cooler than a bowl of ice cream that sealed in a freezer and buried deep under a glacier on the frozen wastelands of Pluto. Indeed, as the CEO finished – panting from the sheer exertion of such an incredible rant – Pegasus only sighed and shook his head. "Language like that is below your level, Kaiba–boy. It makes me feel ever so sad to see you using words that could only have come from the streets." A nasty glint came into his eye for a moment, and Kaiba automatically braced for the passive-aggressive taunt. "Didn't your parents ever teach you to-"

_That does it._

Deep inside Kaiba's mind, something small and delicate went _snap_. The CEO fumed, deciding to take absolutely no notice of the megaphone suddenly pressed to his ear; it could bleep him, but it couldn't stop him from rebelling!

"Pegasus, you little-"

**BLEEEEEEEP!**

"-and your-"

**BLEEEEEEEEP! BLEEEP!**

-pogo stick-

**BLEEEEEEEEP!**

"-fish!"

And with that, after he'd hauled a deep breath into his lungs, Seto Kaiba, CEO of KaibaCorp, one of the world's most influential figures…

…snatched up one of the larger cameras, hurling it at the screen before him.

He was not disappointed in the least – the television emitted a loud and extremely satisfying _crunch_ as the equipment smashed into it. On inspecting the damage, he found that Pegasus looked a lot less smug with a large crack across his face, and the sight egged Kaiba on. Even though his enemy was _still_ smiling for some odd reason – well, that could be worried about later. Right now, all that mattered was getting that smarmy grin wiped right off his face!

"You want a fight? Well, this is a fight! And a _fair_ fight, for once!" A speaker followed the camera, putting a dent in the wall just above the television; and Kaiba screamed for the second time that day; giving sounds to an incredible barrage of insults – some of which had not seen the light of day in many centuries – until his voice went hoarse. "You think you're so great? Look at me! I will-"

**BLEEEEEEEP!**

"-your garden-"

**BLEEEEEEEEEEEP!**

"-encyclopedia-"

**BLEEEEEEEEEEEP!**

"-your mother-"

**BLEEEEEEEP!**

"-so there!"

Heavy boxes of cords, scripts rolled into balls, the light globe above him, the plastic fold-out lawn chair, a tent pole - nothing that was not bolted down missed out on Kaiba's wrath as he continued to howl out, now firmly in the grips of raw, undiluted rage. One after another, he picked up item after item – thingamabobs and whatchamacallits, whatsits and whackdoodles – and he absolutely _flung_ them at the screen, granting them enough velocity to cause some serious damage; enough to make the security guards outside think twice before rushing in to stop the CEO. Kaiba was relentless; never halting in his bombardment until all of his ammunition was gone, much of it now embedded in the walls, embedded in the television, or vanished altogether after puncturing holes in the plasterboard.

And when he saw his enemy once more, he threw his head and let loose with a savage cry of triumph. How could he _not? _After all, the screen was a dreadful sight to behold; the once perfect piece of high technology now hanging off its brackets, pieces of broken glass littering the floor, the main body tilting forwards as though it were bowing. For a long moment the CEO just_ stood_ there, spellbound; it was utterly defeated, begging for his mercy…

Kaiba never gave mercy.

A single spark flickered through the set, galvanizing him into action with its frail light. Without further ado, he attacked the screen with his bare hands, a ferocious hiss issuing from between his teeth as he wrenched it off the wall, and with one of the greatest phrases profanity has ever known, he took the thing, and hurled straight through the doorway of the booth.

He didn't see where it landed.

* * *

**END**

**(And so Kaiba had to pay for a new booth)**

* * *

**UAB**

Incidentally, Sass-bot's end (which is now up) has quite a bit of extra info - everything that happened whilst Kaiba was out cold is documented in all its somewhat drunken glory over there. _So go and read it!_


	6. Chapter 4

When Kaiba was at last extracted from the booth, somewhat calmer than he had been before, there were less than five minutes of cooking time left on the clock – _ahhh, __how time flies__. _With one final huff of dissipating anger, he strode out to inspect the teammates he didn't even want to lead. What had they been doing in his glorious absence was a question he would very much like answered, after all; and _especially_ if the answer meant that he could get another small victory over Pegasus.

As it turned out, his bodyguard Isono had done absolutely nothing, because, as he was told in a clipped European accent, he had not been set any tasks. The CEO ground his teeth and stomped a little, but accepted the matter; he felt tired from the outburst, and honestly was in no real state to be getting as angry as he just had. He could always scream his lungs out later – and besides, Isono had done nothing wrong.

Speaking of wrongdoers, the psychopath greeted his great and glorious leader by waving a sculpture crafted from what appeared to be from cheese, which just _happened _to look a little like Kaiba - that is, if Kaiba had decided to commission an executioner to chop his head off, and then stuff two knives up the corpse's nose, and display the thing on the pole end of a broomstick. And even then, the CEO's dismembered head would surely have been considered an artwork of the highest form; this was some crude imitation of his glorious visage, little more.

That being said, one should note that Yami Malik himself was extraordinarily lucky not to have had his own head lopped off by this point by a very angry Kaiba. To be honest, all that kept the CEO from acting on this desire was the lethargy that now coursed through his whole body; the way that his muscles groaned soft protest whenever they moved, the way his whole body ached as he moved along the benches, until he reached the bench of his rival, situated at the back of the room.

Yami Yugi, much like Isono, had done absolutely nothing in Kaiba's eyes – and worse still, had absolutely no reason for doing so. He was not a house–servant, not a psychopath, and yet here he was, simply staring. In fact, he stood at his bench in brooding silence, his accusing gaze trained on the back of Yami Malik. He did not even glance at Kaiba when the CEO was addressing him, nor when he was asked if any sort of work had been done, any sort of progress made in this challenge.

"Kaiba, I have psychopaths to watch. Why would I waste my time with _cooking?_"

The CEO's voice went as hard as steel; "Because I _told _you to."

Yami Yugi waved a hand airily, as the bell clanged, signaling the end of the round. "I am-"

A noise akin to a mouse exploding indicating that Vivian had just announced that the round was over, in her very special way; a similar noise several seconds indicated that she would very much like the team leaders to step forwards with their creations, just as soon as they'd gotten over their bleeding ears and fractured hearing.

Yami Yugi sighed. "As I was saying, I am not here to play these sorts of games. Pegasus is simply playing with us – there's not much point, and I'm not the best at cooking. I mean, I did try to make a sandwich, but… well…" He made an apologetic gesture towards his bench, upon which was splayed an absolute mess of raw meat and bread rolls; "Hamburgers aren't sandwiches."

Kaiba groaned – only one thing stood between him and total rage now, one little light of hope that whilst tiny, was nevertheless brighter than all the rest.

"Please tell me that Moku–"

"Big brother! Look what I made! Sandwich!"

The two of them stared at the proffered 'sandwich' Mokuba was holding, which was more of a sticky soup containing bread than anything else. It quivered as the boy pressed the ceramic plate into his brother's grip, holding its shape as a serving of jelly might; and yet this was no jelly. Kaiba could see little grainy pieces inside the semi–opaque soup, swirls of seemingly random colours; the overall blend of which turned the thing a dark brown. The smell alone was overwhelming, and not in a good way – it was all the CEO could do not to take the thing and fling it as far away from himself as physically possible. All that stopped him from doing so was the slight care he felt for his brother.

Incidentally, the priceless expression of his rival was a more major reason for not taking action than he cared to admit.

"I used all the jams, and the honey, and half a cup of icing sugar, and tomato sauce, and pepper for seasoning, and some blue food colouring, and some red and some green colourings as well."

Yami Yugi blinked in surprise at the bizarre ingredients on the list, coming out of what had up until that point been a stunned silence. "Mokuba, I don't think that's really a sandw-"

But the CEO only let loose with a hideous snarl, towering well over his rival for several seconds, before he snatched the dish, turned on his heel, and stalked away, on his way to hand over his dish to Vivian (the poor girl, the look on her _face _when she saw the dish was almost payback for her knocking Kaiba out - if only she'd fainted), and then enter a door just beyond to watch Pegasus judge the food.

Yami winced, watching him go – only once did he call out. "I don't think that's a good ide–"

"This is _just fine,_" Kaiba snapped over his shoulder, striding forwards to his fate.

* * *

Team Otogi, the CEO found to his absolute disgust, had made sandwiches – _sandwiches_, of all things dratted and dreadful! There was no creativity in the sandwich, no flair; just two pieces of _bread_ wedged together, fillings of an uncertain nature lurking within its dark depths. As though to add insult to injury, each was speared through with an olive–topped toothpick – a clear breaking of the 'no stabbing' rule. Yes, and this is what he would tell Pegasus – even though _Kaiba's_ team had the psychopath, they hadn't impaled anything. They had come up with something _creative_, which bent the notion of the word 'sandwich' in several directions; they were about to revolutionize the very concept of the sandwich itself!

_I could write a book on that. Make a few more million._

Yes – he was about to take the contest by storm, if logic had anything to do with things. All he had to do now was wait; wait for the moment when he could show the merits of his work, and then simply allow Team Otogi to be shamed beyond shame. In fact, the brunette didn't even bother looking at the other team's leader, his face stony and unreadable as he marched into the judging room…

* * *

Let it be known that Seto Kaiba did not maintain his stony expression in front of Pegasus. It stiffened a touch as he laid eyes on the screen, cracks appearing with every veiled insult the older man threw; and at last, when the dish was set before Pegasus, it simply disintegrated.

"Ohhh, dear, dear, _dear_. I really don't know what to say, Kaiba–boy!" The man's visible eyebrow wriggled in surprise, as he made a wide gesture towards the plate before him. "I did not think I would have to ask, but… Is this truly a _sandwich?_"

The CEO let out a low rumble. "It's a new–age sandwich. This is what the cool kids will be eating in a few months."

"Ohhh, children are so _strange. _They like the funniest things." Pegasus stared sadly at the plate. "But _Kaiba–boy_, I just don't know if I can let you call this a sandwich. I really don't want to disappoint you or anything–"

_– of course you do_ –

"–buuuut, I mean, it might not be playing fair." He sighed melodramatically, running one hand through his hair – but Kaiba did not miss the merry twinkle in his eye. "I _suppose_, if you ask nicely…" Pegasus paused, with one finger upon his chin and a plaintive smile flickering on his lips. "I suppose… Perhaps, if you knew any_ magic words…_"

The CEO snarled inwardly, but held it in somehow, thoughts of his brother keeping his temper at bay. He was going to damn well get this thing judged! "Please."

"Ooh! Did I hear a _magic word?_" No man could have appeared more surprised than Pegasus in that moment; the way his visible eye widened, the way his mouth slid into a delighted grin. "Though, I think there might be more..."

_I know what you want me to say, and I am **not **saying that._

"_Please_ please, then." The CEO tossed his head, then fixed Pegasus with a glare so icy that it could have frozen a dragon solid at range. "That's two words of your ridiculous magic."

The other man chuckled, but made no attempt to look away - and very suddenly, it was Kaiba who felt uncomfortable and threatened, as the man on the screen calmly returned his gaze with vigor, and turning it even colder by the second. "My dear Kaiba-Boy, I think you'll find that the words aren't _my _magic. That's just another of your adorable little misconceptions." He paused here, one eyebrow raising in a silent question. Kaiba seethed, but dared not try to speak - any effort on his part would surely have him lose the ocular battle he was currently engaged in.

The older man, satisfied with this response, threw his arms wide, a childish grin flickering over his features. "They're _everyone's _magic! I want to share it with everyone!"

It sounded _exactly _like one of his commercials - during the short and fairly awkward silence which followed, Kaiba half expected Pegasus to pull a list of magic words from his pocket and begin attempting to flog it.

"Oh, don't worry, Kaiba-boy. I don't have any lists today."

In response to that, the CEO made a strangled noise, the end product of automatically attempting to yelp out a quick 'What?!' of surprise and at the same time keep his mouth still shut. For a moment, as he choked and coughed, spit having trickled the wrong way down his throat, he could have sworn he saw a glimmer of gold under the fringe that fell over the older man's left eye, but he dismissed it as nothing in his bewilderment.

_How did he do that...?_

If Pegasus could read minds, however, his next sentence answered exactly zero of Kaiba's thoughts in that moment; "You'll have to help me, Kaiba-boy."

Kaiba shook his head in puzzlement, not exactly focusing on the real world at that point. "Help you with what?"

"I want you to help me with the magic words. I just can't seem to remember them all!" A hand went dramatically across the brow, as he called out in a state of complete and utter woe: "A pencil, a pencil, my kingdom for a pencil!"

Kaiba ground his teeth as the theatrics continued, a veritable storm of quips pulled from musty old pieces of literature, with the quotes slightly changed to accommodate a focus on stationary ("Ahhhh! Is that a pencil I see before me?") Luckily for all concerned, Pegasus did at least manage to change the topic, before either the guards could try to give him a pencil, or Kaiba could tell him exactly where to shove one.

"So, Kaiba-boy. Tell me as many magic words as you can."

The brunette shrugged, deciding to repeat his earlier remark: "Please, please."

"Any more?", the older man asked, with a very much elongated 'more', so that it came out as a purr - a rumbling, yet somehow cheeky sort of 'morrrrrreeeeee'.

There was a long silence.

"Now, no, Kaiba-boy! I won't be able to count your entry as a sandwich if you can't give me any more magic words!"

Kaiba's response was a long string of syllables, muttered so fast under his breath that the other man barely registered what he had just said. It sounded a little like "PrettypleasedearPegasuswithsprinklesontop", though that surely couldn't have been right; but whatever had been uttered did put Pegasus in an excellent mood. Sporting a huge grin, he giggled childishly.

"Well, how about that! I've never seen so many magic words before! I suppose I'll just have to count your creation as a sandwich!" So saying, he took a great spoonful of the _stuff_ before him, and inspected it carefully; giving it a poke caused the substance to quiver, jelly like, but somehow stick a little to his finger. He held the spoon above his head, leaning backwards so as to keep it in the frame, whilst he tested its colour against the light; then placed the spoonful back on the plate, and using the spoon, cut off a very thin slice of the 'sandwich'. Scooping it up on the spoon, he held it up to his lips, paused.

And then, _just_ before Kaiba could verbally explode, he slipped the spoon into his mouth, a quick flicker in and then back out. A second passed...

...and then he _tasted _it.

* * *

Sadly, the rest of scene really cannot be described in words, because most of it is so utterly profane and disgusting that it would have surely put the ratings of our fic through the ceiling. If you would like to see the one and only Maximillion J. Pegasus knocking out at least two guards with the unexpectedly long range and high velocity of his projectile vomit, then I would recommend that you try your luck with a fic that doesn't happen to be rated K+.

Maybe one day I'll become a sell-out, and make an Uncut version of things, but for now – well, let's just say that (a) Team Otogi won without a doubt, and (b) it was a _very _good thing that the rest of Kaiba's team did not witness Pegasus's reaction to Mokuba's creation. Similarly, it was an equally good thing that they did not witness Kaiba's reaction to Pegasus's reaction.

…or at least, I _hope _they didn't.

* * *

**END**

**(and so Kaiba had to pay for a new booth)**

* * *

**UAB**

**- **You have no esca- I _mean_, you have no excuse now to be not reading this fic, because I have the link to Sass-Bot's part on my profile.

- I made some changes to my Trollogue, because it wasn't sitting well with me with regards to the detail, the setup, and the tone clashing a tad with the rest of the fic. Things should be clearer now; by about... oh, I don't know, a good five hundred words or so.


	7. Chapter 5

A spotlight beamed down on the television screen, Pegasus seemingly basking in its non-existent glow. Every word he spoke simply trickled over his tongue like fine melted chocolate, and he indulged in it as though he were some great connoisseur of the English language (or Japanese, if you happen to swing that way)."And so, the winning team, who will be parading back to their dorms with this _fabulous _Golden Spatula – though they're quite welcome to stay and watch the other team's elimination round if they wish – is..."

Here, there fell a pause: a long silence, an almost _tasting_ of the very air itself, a deep breath, the chocolate lover savoring that lingering aroma; slightly bitter on the tongue, though perhaps a few crystals of sweet sugar still remained around the lips-

"Is..."

And he stopped again, looking gravely at each of them in turn, though his lip did admittedly twitch a little when he stared at Kaiba, who gave him a glare that could have stopped a snarling dragon in its tracks.

_Oh, get on with it._

The contestants were assembled in the kitchen, Pegasus's television before them; the older man had just ripped open a golden envelope, and now appeared to needlessly drawing forth the tension, not that there was exactly much to begin with. You see, in Kaiba's mind, it was _obvious_ who had won - even to the most foolish of audiences. He was so certain about this, he had already given the obligatory rant as Pegasus had shot out of view with a tremendous _crash_ on tasting the CEO's dish.

You see - had his team's 'sandwich' not contained turpentine (a lethal ingredient dear Mokuba had somehow _forgotten_ to mention, how sad, can't think where it might have came from), Team Kaiba might have had more of a chance. Come to think of it - if any of his other teammates had actually _done _anything, they might have had more of a chance. You see - it wasn't _his _fault that he'd lost his temper; that part was wholly and solely to blame on Pegasus. Mokuba and Isono were also forgivable; his brother was hardly chef material, and he had not _ordered _Isono to make anything.

But as for the other two - well, one glance at the tableau behind him told the young man everything he needed to know. Neither of them appeared to have the capability of simply _staying still_, it seemed - they were already at each other's throats in a manner that could only be described as crude, causing Kaiba to lose his respect for the two of them at a rate exponential as he drank in the scene. Never did he expect to see such _immaturity _from two of the world's greatest gamers-

"Team Otogi! Come and collect your super-special Golden Spatula, and proceed upstairs!"

No-one from Team Kaiba actually clapped - Kaiba because it wasn't something worth applauding in his eyes, Mokuba and Isono because they had been ordered to do whatever Kaiba did, in order to prevent further mishaps (fat chance of that, but still), Yami Malik because he was sitting on the floor, juggling no less than eight knives, and Yami Yugi because his coat had just been pinned to the wall by the Egyptian's _ninth _blade. As a result, there was nothing but a long silence at the name of the victor, punctuated occasionally by the dull _thunk, thunk, thunk _of Yami Marik's knives, as one by one, they lodged themselves in plaster, the hilts quivering as close as they could to Yami Yugi.

"Come and collect your super-special Golden Spatula, and proceed upstairs!", Pegasus prattled on, and Kaiba watched the other team start forwards, only to be stopped by one of Kaiba's security men. That at least made sense, seeing as there was, as of this moment, no Spatula in sight.

The concept of a _Spatula _being at all important, however... And a _Golden Spatula_, at that... Well, that made decidedly _less _sense.

Fortunately, before the quiet could become too awkward (or, for that matter, Yami Malik could misaim and lodge a knife in Yami Yugi's skull), the double doors opened, and several guards appeared, carrying a small cushion – all red silk and gold tassel – between them. Glittering under the yellow light of the kitchen, the item laid there on the cushion was undoubtedly the Golden Spatula – Kaiba found himself trying to work out whether or not it was _real _gold, though that was something near-impossible to achieve at this distance.

"Come here, Otogi!", Pegasus cooed, drawing out the 'i' as though it was maple syrup, his tones carrying a strong hint of 'hyperactive twelve-year old opening presents on Christmas Day'. The brunette grimaced as the other team leader stepped forwards, looking almost smug; _no-one_ should have been able to beat him, aside from _maybe _Yugi, and yet this uppity young man and his team of losers had somehow managed to beat them both. Perhaps it was a cooking game, but Kaiba still hated to be beaten.

_You weren't taking things seriously enough._

He closed his eyes a long moment with a sigh, rubbing his temples as Pegasus prattled on and on about how exactly the silver haired man had gotten hold of the apparently _famed _Golden Spatula (and of course the story was utterly ridiculous - pyramids, turbaned guys who may or may not have portraits on Pegasus's wall, mysterious tombs and markets that sold just about _everything_, the lot). Much as he disliked this game, he didn't like to lose _any _game. And here, he had failed, he had failed, he had _failed_, even if he hadn't wanted to play-

-but only because he hadn't been _serious _about it. If he wanted to, he was certain that he could absolutely _thrash _the competition to kingdom come. His whole body tensed, adrenaline rushing through his veins as he turned his attention back to Pegasus; at last, the other man seemed to be closing his speech:

"Use it well, Otogi! It might just be the very key to your victory in this..." - and here, a quick glance at Kaiba - "..._stiff_ competition."

If Kaiba hadn't recently watched the glorious sight of Maxmillion J. Pegasus reduced to a whimpering laughing stock as he held his cramping stomach, the brunette would have surely exploded - and the other CEO paused, as though making sure that this did not happen before he went on: "This spatula may also be the very key to your downfall as well. One must only know _how_ to use it!" Kaiba snorted derisively as, at last, the spatula was shoved unceremoniously into the raven-haired teen's hands. The brunette half expected the boy to drop the lustrous item, but somehow he managed to keep his grip, utter a shaky thankyou - and then, with a quick congratulations and a "Please show them out, Kemo" from Pegasus, the winners were gone.

* * *

Minutes ticked past, and the brunette eventually closed his eyes, patiently waiting for whatever that white-haired, smooth-talking twat might have in store for him. He could do whatever he liked, as far as the CEO was concerned - Kaiba wasn't about to lose again.

"Now, Kaiba-boy. I suppose you're _wondering _what will happen to you, yes?"

_How did he know? He could have predicted that I was wondering what would happen to me and my team, but to know that I was thinking only about myself-_

Blue eyes snapped open in surprise, just in time to see Pegasus lean forwards into the camera, his voice a comical stage whisper; "You're supposed to say 'yes'!"

The CEO didn't even bother giving the older man the benefit of a curt nod; instead, he simply glared protest.

_Otogi and his team are gone now. Why do you keep us here...?_

If Pegasus _could _mind read, however, the older man took absolutely no notice of Kaiba's thoughts nor actions, however - instead, with a merry little clap of the hands, he beamed down at the six contestants remaining in the room. "I'm so glad you're curious! I just love curiosity!" A grin. "Which is what the next contest is all about!"

Behind Kaiba (not to mention jacketless, this item of clothing still pinned to the wall by several knives), Yami Yugi shifted uneasily, as though he were about to speak; but then he appeared to change his mind - no words came from his mouth. The CEO resisted the urge to nod in his rival's direction – in his experience, nothing short of yelling one's lungs out could possibly get Pegasus's attention, and it looked as though his rival was aware of this fact as well.

Their common enemy simply steamed onwards: "Because none of you are exactly _friendly_ towards each other, I decided to make this contest all about hating each other!"

_All about hating each other? Pegasus, what are you–_

"We're going to have an everyone–versus–everyone–else contest! Everyone is your enemy! No holds barred - and the bottom two will have to fight each other! The loser of that match leaves the contest!" A giggle. "Isn't that exciting?"

_Oh, for the love of–_

At this stage, amidst the expected collective groan and Vivian's **BLEEP** attack on Seto's unspoken thoughts, there was a small _mmrrrrp? _from the floor - a catlike sound, rising in pitch at the end . The CEO risked a glance over his shoulder, immediately wishing he hadn't - for Yami Malik was not exactly a pleasant figure to look at, less still when _motivated_. He was on his feet in a split second, form blurred a little for a moment – after which he just _stood_ there, with a slight forwards lean to his posture, wiping the drool gracefully from his chin. This alone was disturbing enough a sight, but the psychopath's eyes were alight with a strange sort of excitement – something Kaiba had not witnessed since the 'Shadow Duel' with Mai, and had in all honesty not wanted to see again. It was a wild enthusiasm that promised nothing good for anyone who got in the way of his current whim.

**THUNK!**

Before anyone could move, Yami Yugi was pinned to the wall by his shirt as though by magic, though the tell-tale glint of metal certainly said otherwise. With a slight shrug, Yami Malik spoke a human language for the first time since the short conversation Kaiba had held with him, prior to the latter's dragging to the confessional booth."What is the challenge...?"

The effect of his finally speaking seemed to stun Pegasus a little; the smile wavered just for a moment, and the older man paused in what might have been hesitation. Kaiba only just managed to stop an arrogant smirk from playing across his lips.

_You didn't expect him to start talking, did you?_

Holding in the smile, he instead busied himself with noting how every security guard in the room tensed, ready to spring as the psychopath pulled a knife from his pocket, and once again began to toy with it, paying seemingly no attention whatsoever to Pegasus - though the way he glanced in the silver-haired man's direction whenever he thought Kaiba's tormentor didn't happen to be staring his way said otherwise. The older man glared and stared and stared and glared, but much to the brunette's amusement, he simply could not get eye contact with the Egyptian.

"W–_well_ – well, well, well!" There _was _a stutter in that first word, a slight hesitation thereafter, the next three words building up his confidence – but then Pegasus was off again, his speech utterly unstoppable once more. "I thought you'd never ask! The _challenge_, my dear Yami Malik, is to make _me_ dessert. I'm ever so full from eating those delicious sandwiches, so you'll have to make something extra good! Any dessert will do, but I suppose there might be a little bonus if you happened to guess my favour–"

"Is that all?"

The madman's voice carried a bored sort of _yawn_ to it, and Pegasus's hands flapped wildly, the older man's voice rising as though in panic. "Now, now! You shouldn't be so ru–"

"Pharaoh." The young man turned on his heel, facing the unfortunate Yami Yugi – the teen was still trapped against the wall, tugging and pulling in the vain hope that he could work the blade free. The newly dubbed 'Pharaoh' froze as soon as he saw the psychopath staring in his direction, for which he was given a smile; a sick, sick smile, one that Kaiba was glad wasn't being aimed in the CEO's or Mokuba's direction.

"You see, when I beat you in the game…"

**THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!**

The knives were in the wall before anyone could move; one on either side of the Pharaoh's neck, one just missing the topmost point of his hair, and one lodging between his legs. With an ugly snarl, Yami Malik went to make some sort of speech – a threat, perhaps, or possibly a gloat–

**THUMP!**

The psychopath didn't even make it past the first syllable; he was flat on his face within moments, going down with a series of ugly crunches and an oddly peaceful smile as five burly men made tackling dives for his slender frame, more rushing over to jump atop him, forming a human pyramid of sorts. There was a second of silence thereafter, every person waiting with bated breath for something to happen-

-and _then_ came a bloodcurdling noise, starting in a low rumble and progressing to a shrill shriek of fury. The pile of men were suddenly scrambling for their balance, as they shifted with Yami Malik's struggles; he threw his body this way and that as though he were a salmon dammed, trying to leap high into the air, lashing out with teeth and a knife, abusing his skinniness to try and slip out from under their weight. The contestants found themselves backed away from the absolute melee, as slowly, little by little, the Egyptian began to tire.

"Yami Malik!", Pegasus chortled from his screen, though Kaiba did note that this was being wheeled backwards as well in an attempt to distance him from the struggle. "I had no_ idea _that you would be the first to break a rule!"

Yami Marik must have heard him, because there was a roar of utter rage, and what can only be described as a _wave _went through the men trying to hold the Egyptian down, as he made one last, desperate lunge, his whole body flailing in a fashion most spectacular, hands and feet slamming into groins and chins as he snapped and struggled for some space. Oddly enough, it was a successful move, too – for the blonde's head became visible just moments later as he forced it out from under the pileup, the lip curled in a ferocious snarl.

"I didn't stab anyone!", he growled, his voice strained a little from his chest being under so much weight at that point in time. "Just_ warned_ the Pharaoh a little bit."

And it was at this point that Kaiba became aware of something which made him very, very upset.

You see, it appeared to him that things had been almost exclusively Yugi/Pharaoh/Yami Yugi/whatever the hell Kaiba was supposed to call him – centred - after all, the only person who really _mattered _at this stage was Yami Marik, and all he'd heard out of the guy had been Yugi this, Yugi that, Yugi, Yugi, I want to kill _Yugi_. Didn't the psychopath notice _him_, the team leader, the one and only Seto Freaking _Kaiba_, the very best duelist, the one who was going to kick him to kingdom come?

Yes, this had gone too far; his rival was now stripping him of the attention he rightfully deserved, or so it seemed. He cracked his knuckles in the near–silence, glaring daggers at his rival as Pegasus twittered onwards; something about what on earth was happening to _chivalry_ these days, and the rules, and then a long and detailed explanation of the rules, and after that an even longer and even more ridiculously detailed explanation of the _elimination _rules...

_That does it, Yugi! In this next round, I will crush you AND Yami Malik! There's not enough room on this blimp for all three of us!_

He stewed in that way for another twenty minutes, his thoughts becoming a whirlwind, an angry bass undercurrent to Pegasus's treble whining.

And when at last the word was given, and he was told to go and prepare his own ingredients list, he did not simply _walk_ from the room; no, he _stormed _from it, his coat billowing behind him as though animated by some howling gale, his eyes blazing with more force than a Blue–Eyes White Dragon's White Lightning, the ringing of his steel–capped boots on the timber creating a dull drumming that rattled the floor itself as a thousand drops of rain might. His younger brother, clinging to his arm, forcibly dragged along as he struggled to keep up, was nothing but a leaf, thrown about by the raging tempest that as of this moment had a name, and a form, blurred as it was with the CEO's movements.

So it was that Seto Kaiba went to prepare his ingredients list, with a face like thunder.

* * *

**END**

**(and so the plots of two fanfictions suddenly split away from each other)**

* * *

**UAB**

- Sass-Bot's side is about to start covering completely different stuff from what I'll be doing in chapter seven. Link's through my profile, of course~

- For this fic, I actually watched Masterchef - and never before has my 'research' gotten me such disapproving looks._  
_


	8. Chapter 6

Seto Kaiba was on _fire_, though not literally. The bell had barely gone before he was in the kitchen like a hurricane, a natural disaster with all of the ferocity and none of the 'disaster' bit; chopping, slicing, dicing, and basically putting every effort into creating what had to be the most traumatised meringue in existence.

He attacked the eggs with deft swipes, some of which might be strong enough to break a man's skull; moving so fast that most only saw the core ingredient simply _disintegrate_,with no contact from the CEO. With infinite care, the brunette poured the egg whites into a glass bowl, absolutely hurling the leftover yolk and egg shells into a second bowl. Snatching up a steel whisk, which he chose to wield with both hands, the CEO then proceeded to… well, _whisk. _He absolutely whisked those egg whites into next week; in a matter of minutes, they were bubbling and frothing, and only then did he cease to abuse them. Glances to his left and right showed that Mokuba and Isono were, just as requested, copying his every movement. He let himself smile a little at that; for if they were to take the top three places, Yugi and Yami Malik would be _forced_ to fight each other. In this way, he would only have the need to fight one of them; and if his rival had any _sense_, then he would surely be fighting Yugi.

_My plan is perfect!_

Suddenly, the world was blotted out by a large, fast moving object, which landed atop the brunette; the combination of its generous mass and speedy velocity was enough to send the CEO to the ground. Lying on his back, he found himself looking into the eyes of his bodyguard, Isono–

**THUNK!**

A meat cleaver – a large, rusty thing with an enormous blade –was now embedded in the counter he'd been working at. From somewhere in front of him, beyond the bench he now cowered behind, he heard the wild laughter of Yami Malik.

"Oops, looks like I _missed_. I'm ever so sorry…" Then, a scraping; the sound of a knife being removed from its sheath."Come out, come out, mister billionaire, and I won't miss this time. I _promise._"

Footsteps rang on the timber; but they did not move towards the brunette. Instead, they seemed to be moving to his left.

Straight towards where Kaiba knew Yami Yugi to be working.

"Too scared to come out, little lord of cards? Aheheh - I'm sure _you'll _do just fine instead, Pharaoh. Aren't you hungry for a real game, too?" Peeking up over the benchtop, the CEO saw that the psychopath was now advancing on his rival very, very fast, his strides easily eating up the distance between the two of them. At first, Yami Yugi backed away from the madman – but then Yami Malik let loose with a great cackle that caused all to freeze where they stood.

"I just _love_ knives," he purred, his voice sickly sweet, tones dripping, drizzling, timbre thick and choking, and the words poisonous, _deadly_. "I'd like to introduce you to them all…" With that, he was advancing again – and just to make matters_ worse_, for every few steps he took, another knife was thrown.

"This one's called Butters - it's a butter knife."

**THUNK!**

"And this is Sharktooth, my bread knife. Named for its teeth, you see."

**THUNK!**

"This is Fish–gutter, because... well, I'm sure you can see why."

**THUNK!**

"This one's Vegetables - its a vegetable knife, but it certainly isn't vegetarian!"

**THUNK!**

"And the big guy over there - that's Rusty. Rusty the cleaver."

Four knives now quivered in the wall behind Yami Yugi – and Yami Malik was close to his target now, which had flattened itself up against the plasterboard, attempting to glare and appear somewhat submissive at exactly the same time. Slowly, surely, the madman reached into his jeans pocket, as though a final knife resided there – then he stopped and laughed.

"No. Not painful enough…" His lips moved in a whisper; and though Kaiba could not hear what was said, he knew what words were being formed, words he'd heard more than a few times snarled from Yami Yugi and Pegasus - '_Shadow Game._'

_So, he's a believer in that magic stuff as well... then again, he _is _a psychopath. He'd hardly be sane, I suppose._

Suddenly, holographic flames - or at least, Kaiba _hoped _they were holographic, seeing as Yami Marik had no Duel Disk to speak of - sparked and danced on every benchtop. The whole room shook, as accompanied by a long string of utterly unintelligible Egyptian words, an enormous creature simply _rose_, bursting to life from the azure flickering of a lit gas stove – a massive golden phoenix, screeching out its challenge to all that dared oppose it. If the CEO hadn't already been on his knees, he would have surely dropped to them; for this was none other than the Winged Dragon of Ra, a creature he had simply been dying to see again. Truth be told, it was utterly magnificent; and better still, totally unique - exactly the sort of card the brunette sincerely wished could have a place in his deck. In a frightening display of its glorious power, the creature threw back its head now, towering well over its target, an enormous fireball charging to a spitting fury in its open jaws-

Yami Yugi blinked and spoke at that point, absolutely ruining the moment. "How did you–"

"In my head, Pharaoh, this duel has already been going on for fifteen minutes. Which means…"

There was a long pause, whilst the madman waited for Yami Yugi to figure things out - and judging from the look on the young man's face, he hadn't the foggiest as to what the psychopath meant by this. Neither did Kaiba at first; but then again, when he thought about it in layman's terms, madman's terms - terms where anything imagined was possible, terms he had once used himself - it did begin to make some sort of eerie _sense_.

A chill flickered through his mind at that point; it was as though a door had simply swung open, and a polar wind had been allowed in. In the real world, Yami Malik's expression went oddly blank for a few seconds - and then he began to laugh, a horrible, raucous sound, bouncing off every wall, echoing its own echoes until Kaiba's head ached.

Yami Yugi, to his credit, looked suitably furious, as opposed to unnerved. "What is it?", he demanded, voice like iron and nerves seemingly like steel.

"Your rival... Ahahahaaaa, your _rival!_" The laughter increased in volume, cackling and bubbling, the Egyptian's face seemingly torn in two by an enormous grin. "Your rival! He knows what I mean better than you do!"

What happened next happened extraordinarily fast - despite being absolutely colossal, the monster could certainly move with a good deal of speed. There was a soft, unintelligible grunt from Yami Malik - and in a heartbeat, the creature had whirled to its left, clearing half the room in one almighty leap, the height of which took it straight through a fluorescent light. Two enormous talons sank into the vinyl as it perched upon the benchtop, staring down at Kaiba, the fireball still in its jaws; and now 'frightening' became 'absolutely terrifying'. The CEO froze on the spot for a second, and before he could recover, the god had opened its beak, the fireball had sparked-

"What the-"

**BLEEP!**

-and the beast was firing.

The brunette had been on fire before, certainly, but that was metaphorical. Now, if he didn't do something with that fireball sailing towards him, Seto Kaiba would be on fire; and very much _literally_, if Mai Kujaku's case was any indication...

_do something do something do something_

And then the Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon was _there_, its own enormous blast just managing to deflect that of the Egyptian God's. With a grunt, holding the card above his head in one hand, Kaiba got to his feet - or should I say, designer boots - and stood between Isono (stoic and silent, as ordered) and Mokuba (still cooking, blissfully ignorant to everything that had just occurred). Removing his deck from his coat pocket (what he would have given for a Duel Disk at this point!), he placed the stack of cards on the table, quick fingers flicking through until he had snatched up the cards he needed. "I, too, have imagined duelling Yami Yugi many times. Face down card, reveal!"

With a growl, he made a flamboyant gesture, though he was in all actuality quietly swiping the card he wished to play from his deck and placing it on the tabletop. "De-Fusion! The Ultimate Dragon goes to the Graveyard! And now, I offer my three Blue-Eyes White Dragons to summon Obelisk!"

The dragons had barely split apart, when they were abruptly sucked into a (thankfully holographic) black hole; from this, with a great roar, rose the mighty God of the Obelisk. "And lastly - I reveal my _other _face-down card! Monster Reborn!" Kaiba was screaming now, screaming as the football fan does when his team's about to win, sweat running down his neck from the exertion, his body shaking and shuddering. And his dragon screamed with him, its three heads howling out in a noise of pure savagery, one that shook the very walls and ceiling-

-and it lunged; a blistering white tornado of wings and claws, its blue eyes blazing with a cold azure fire as it prepared to shred its opponent to bits, tail flying out behind it like a advertising banner on an aeroplane, as the creature raced for God itself; and to be honest, its tail really _was _an advertisement, a proud reminder of just how awesome its controller was.

"Trap Hole!", his opponent snarled as the thing came at his God Card, an enormous holographic chasm opening up under the beast immediately.

Kaiba laughed in derision. "You _do _realize that it has wings?"

A sadistic grin came free of charge with the answer: "Not what I was targeting. Now, Obelisk will die before it can even be summoned!"

Too late, Kaiba realized that the very ground beneath Obelisk was now sinking, his god struggling to hold its footing, his Ultimate Dragon rushing headlong at what had to be an ultimate god. "In that case, I activate Mystical Space Typhoon, destroying your trap!", he growled, but as the Egyptian went to flip a card - "No, your _other_ trap card. Obelisk can sink!", he declared, watching Yami Marik's expression go from 'mildly bored' to 'outraged' in all of two seconds.

He could almost see why Pegasus enjoyed watching _him _do that.

"You sure about that?"

A curt nod. "I'm sure, madman."

The psychopath growled like a wild animal, but still removed the card. "Mirror Force. Nice play; that card would have destroyed all your monsters if they had attacked..."

Kaiba laughed long and loudly. "That's right! And at this particular moment, your God was only summoned with a Monster Reborn; at least, it was in _my _game." And here, a wild grin, as their eyes met: "I don't see any sacrifices in your Graveyard!"

Yami Marik blinked, stunned. "So, it has zero attack."

"That's right! And it's in attack position, from the looks of that hologram!" Throwing back his head, Kaiba howled to the ceiling fan and the fluorescent light above him - _damn it, it could have been so much more dramatic!_ - and his own cries were replicated in those of the thing, now rushing towards the Winged Dragon of Ra: "Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon! Finish him!"

The golden head went flying, separated from the rest of its body in one clean swipe; the body was blown to pieces an instant later by a tremendous ball of fire, three heads working in unison to extinguish the god's life. The head, lying on the ground, twitched a little as the rest of it simultaneously exploded in all directions and combusted at the same time, Kaiba thankful that the creature had no guts. Slowly, as though it were in pain, the beak moved, cracking open, and a tiny spark formed in the thing's maw; one last attempt to create a ball of fire-

The Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon's amazingly ultimate tail swished, hitting the head like a golf ball across the room. It vanished mid-trajectory en route to the wall, a small pile of ashes taking its place as Yami Marik shifted the card to the spot on the bench that now apparently counted as his 'graveyard'.

And it was gone. Finished. Done.

Seto Kaiba had just murdered a _God_, and now stood with his dragon at his side, gazing down at a murderer who was now officially below him. The man was on his hands and knees, and feeling more confident, the CEO made his way over to him, standing over the enemy with no less than murder in his eyes-

"Raigeki!"

- and a card slammed straight upwards, colliding with his nose, making him yell out and stumble back in pain. The foil image was in his face, the madman on his feet - he moved backwards automatically, his eyes slowly adjusting to what had moments ago been a confused kaleidoscope of colour, his brain now registering just what had been said, the letters on the card coming into focus.

_Raigeki... that card... destroys all my monsters._

Just like that, in what was intrinsically one of the most unfair moves the CEO had ever seen, Kaiba's dragon was struck down by a thunderbolt; white wings sizzling a little after its death. the psychopath laughing in his face as the brunette stomped away in what can only be described as a 'rage quit'. It was no matter- he had won. One more blow would have done it; his enemy, cowering before him...

...well, crouched before him, a knife in his teeth, a snarling tiger, ready to strike...

…but come _on_, at least he was on all fours.

That counted for something, right?

* * *

**END**

**(And so Kaiba got a bit of his pride back)**


	9. Chapter 7

He had just beaten _God_.

And not many people could say that for themselves, but he - _the _Seto Kaiba, the one and only, the head of KaibaCorp itself, the Little Lord of Card Games - could now say it, adding another title to the many already under his belt. He grinned widely, unable to stop himself through the surge of total adrenaline; he had beaten God, he had beaten God, _he had beaten God__**, **_ and he repeated this as though it were a ritualistic chant, imagining how (if only the kitchen wasn't silent), there was a crowd likely screaming his name. He'd done it, he'd won-

-and now, standing right here at this chopping board, with loyal servants on either side of him, he decided that he would beat his rival next and even play Pegasus's stupid game to do it, taking Yugi Moto down just as easily as he, the almighty Seto Kaiba, Hear His Name and Tremble, had taken down the Winged Dragon of Ra (and it _had _been easy, he assured himself). Two for the price of one, and a grin wiped clean of Pegasus's stupid face thrown into the bargain; it would indeed be a good day salvaged from an otherwise appalling one.

With that thought in mind, the brunette snatched up his mixing bowl with an almost beastly savagery, he poured his egg whites into it with a terrible enthusiasm, the yolks callously discarded in Yami Marik's direction - and then,_ then _he beat the living daylights out of the ingredients, as though they had personally wronged him; the only break in their eternal torture being when he paused to stir in a few spoonfuls of sugar, extra grit added to the thrashing he was giving them. Such preparations, of course, took him the better part of a half hour - but he _knew_ that it would be worth it, because _anything_ was worth it when you were talking about taking down Yugi Moto. Kaiba would have sold his soul to do it, he'd done that before, he'd gladly do it again - half an hour was hardly anything much to give up in comparison to what he had done in the past...

And at last, he had it; stepping back with a cry of triumph to admire his handiwork, then sending Yugi a decidedly smug look. There it was, the very thing he would be taking down his rival with, sending him home in shame with - it was the perfect meringue mixture. Tiny rumples and little crests made it look like some sort of a stiff ocean, frozen in its flow - and yet it was creamy to the touch, with a melt-in-the-mouth texture that was somehow feather light on the tongue, small amounts literally dissolving before they could be properly swallowed. Mokuba's reaction to the taste alone was more than enough for Kaiba - his grin went sharklike, and he stood a little straighter as he eyed his quarry.

_This is the day I win over you, Yugi Moto._

And this was indeed the day, he could feel it; so conveniently in his grasp now; and he laid it all out in order - the piping bag was just within arm's reach, the oven was at just the right temperature, the plate already arranged with circles of lemon to complement his meringue. He saw victory, smelled it in the earthy scent of baking pastry, already tasting the bittersweet taste of revenge (just like lemon, how ironic), and then he reached out for it, took the mixing bowl in both hands and-

**THUNK.**

The perfect mixture, now ruined and all over the floor; destroyed by the perfect throw - the bowl split neatly in two.

**THUNK. THUNK. THUNK. **

The piping bag; still within arm's reach, but now in multiple pieces.

**THUNK. THUNK. THUNK. THUNK.**

The stove; the knobs on it sliced off, four knives of assorted sizes now lodged in the ground below it.

He stared dumbly into space for a full ten seconds, wondering briefly where his victory had gone; what was once tangible now ghostly, fleeing from his grasp. He snatched at it with a terrible roar, trying to keep his grip on the cheering crowds inside his head - but all he could hear was the laughter, the jeers, and then those were _real_, Yami Marik howling out a wild "Where is your god now?", another knife hitting the table before him as the Egyptian resumed his attack.

The air hummed with the ringing of steel, as the psychopath decided to hurl metal left, right, and centre, Yugi snarling angrily in the background. Ducking down behind the bench once more, the CEO barked out a single command, and Kaiba's allies instantly deserted him; in perfect unison, Isono and Mokuba exited the kitchens as fast as possible. Certainly, this move may well have been at Kaiba's order, but all the same, he felt a slight pang of anger at the idea that they would leave him, just like that. Steel blades whistled through the air, so close that he could have plucked them from the air, if only he'd known how to.

And _that_ moment was when it came, the proverbial cherry on the cake of utter misery - a wedding of mistrust and horrible backstory, woe tiered on woe, and now, topped with a scream, for the wedding toppers now apparently howled and hated each other, forced together as they were, and let's just shut up about marriage already. The point is, the voice was _angry_, very angry - "STOP THAT AT ONCE!", it went - and no, it wasn't protesting the horrible metaphor the sugar-high Author used last sentence. It wasn't Kaiba who was roaring those words out, either - _or_ Pegasus, for that matter - and that was probably the worst bit about the whole thing. With a low growl, the CEO jumped to his feet, only to find himself pinned to the wall in seconds by the last few knives, staring at a stunned Yami Marik, who appeared to have been corned by a very upset...

…oh, _dear_.

Evil movie music at this point is not only recommended, it is an absolute necessity. For this reason, the reader is encouraged to now find a piece of dark-side related movie music they happen to like; 'Magma' (Hit House) and 'Requiem for a Dream' (Lord of the Rings)are both good examples of this genre, if it can be termed one at all. Incidentally, Skrillex's 'Bangarang' is probably not a good example, despite the fact that the Author wrote the entire section whilst listening to it.

Welcome back.

Now, listening to your suitably evil movie music, you should know that 'rage' is not a word that even begins to come _remotely_ close to the emotion Seto Kaiba felt at that moment; that dreadful moment when he heard Yami Yugi yell out as though the CEO could not handle the situation himself. When he saw this irritating rival of his step in to save him with big words and glaring eyes, as though he were some damsel in distress, his whole body shook with the effort of merely tolerating the emotion; so strong, so powerful! It was something cold and icy hard, something no-one was meant to feel, something that went far beyond irate, beyond anger, beyond frustration - no, it was pulled from the very abyss of the primordial pits of madness, perhaps living out its days in solitude in a pit _below the abyss_. His eyes blazed with it, as he slowly lost the battle to hold it in; born of a deeply injured pride it was, born of the sight of his rival daring to _save _him-

And so, as Yami Yugi snarled and Slifer leapt to life behind him, the very lights of the building flickering, Seto howled out for him to _stop_ - he didn't need saving, he didn't need saving, _stopstopstop_

_"Stop!"_

It came out as a roar, not really word, but in Kaiba's head it meant _stop_ - and he snarled protest in this way until his chest ached, until his face went a funny sort of blue colour, until he wrenched back control from the runaway emotion before he could really hurt himself, and leaned against the wall panting for breath. But still his rival stood there, and still Slifer snarled, and still the emotion banged against the CEO's sanity like a hammer on an anvil.

After a dreadful pause, Yami Yugi spoke the words, words Kaiba had heard before, words he did not wish to hear again. The teen's forehead now glowed with a golden symbol; an eye identical to the one on that ridiculous trinket of his, and the room seemed to dim and darken. And the declaration was thus:

"You trespassed in the soul of my… uh…" – _here, an awkward silence, then a muttered "…friend". With a series of coughs, he begins once more _– "The _point _is, you have trespassed. And now, you are going to pay!" (**1**)

Yami Malik responded thus:

"Oooh, scary!"

Then, battle did indeed commence; Slifer crushing a stool under one of its mighty coils in its advance, suddenly as real as the howling fire-dragon that rose from the graveyard to greet it, golding wings causing a miniature tornado in the kitchen that ruffled Kaiba's hair and sent a toaster flying-

Wait, _what?_

Kaiba blinked in a combination of surprise and disbelief.

_No. They can't be real, there must be some sort of trick! They couldn't have just..._

Kaiba wisely pulled himself away from that thought, focusing more on the battle at hand. The two combatants were now yelling rules at each other, something about grappling and six-foot reaches, +4 melee bonuses and attacks of opportunity, wing sizes and Slifer's flexibility,_ how the heck does it fly anyway_, _and shouldn't Ra have plate armour bonuses, yeah but it's slow, hell no it's lightning quick, well actually if you look at page 193 of the Player's Handbook - okay, I see that now - but Ra's got a feat that lets it ignore the slowcoach thing, but Slifer's negates that, does a dice roll of 12 plus combat modifiers hit you? What's Ra's combat modifiers? Uhhhhh, I dunno, let me check my character sheet... _(**2**)

And over an hour later;

"Okay, I think this is all good now."

"...Only because it went in _your_ favour."

"Don't you start with that +3 thing aga-"

"-okay, fine, fine. Let's just attack already!"

The giants clashed at last, and it was everything Kaiba had always imagined a battle of the gods to be - they went at it, claws flashing, jaws snapping, a tornado of red and gold that had the CEO shielding his eyes from the glare of the magnificent struggle. And _magnificent_, because although it was terrifying, Kaiba found himself enjoying it - to be honest, the whole scene _called _to him, making him long to pull forth his mighty Obelisk and have it crush both the pathetic reptiles under its mighty fists, but battle instincts held him back. It wasn't that he feared his own safety at this stage, more that he wanted the best chance of winning.

_I'll just wait until they've tired themselves out..._

The battle raged all across the kitchen; sideboards trodden on, cupboards severely damaged, Ra lunging and lunging, trying desperately to grab at the serpentine coils of Slifer - just one bite to the neck would do it. But the Sky Dragon was a wily little thing; it twisted away just in time, fighting back with wing buffets strong enough to knock the humans off their feet, and tail swipes wide enough to encompass the whole kitchen in their movements. Suddenly, it darted in, its two mouths snapping open. Coil after coil slid around the Winged Dragon of, Ra, until at last the huge beast had its full length around the God, a bolt of pure electricity in its jaws. It stared down at its prey-

-and the Winged Dragon of Ra stared right back at it, with a fireball in its own mouth.

Four yellow eyes widened in an expression that clearly said _'Oh-_'

**BLEEEP!**

And _that_, Kaiba decided in the split second of awkwardness before the two gods decided to ignore the noise, was possibly the most inappropriate moment to have a censoring.

Fortunately, the beasts didn't seem to mind; they still put on a spectacular show, one that roused Kaiba's fighting spirit no end. Flames and lightning clashed over a microwave, the two small balls becoming larger and larger, until they were veritable beams of light that issued from the monster's mouths, the force of the meeting so great that it slowly forced the behemoths away from each other, Slifer uncoiling from Ra, four eyes staring into two, and in the eerie silence that followed, it was almost as though they were finally at peace with this last conflict.

And then they both lunged at each other, the beams from their mouths growing brighter and brighter with compressed heat and energy, until just as they met, there was an almighty explosion from between the two of them; a white wave of energy that went out in all directions, and hurled the almighty Seto Kaiba off his feet, and directly into a wall. His head hit the plasterboard with a dull _smack_, but there was no pain - just darkness, swallowing his thoughts, his mind, everything he'd ever known disappearing - and here, he sorely wished that he'd had the pain instead, before he was drifting off from even that last thought, numbed and sinking away into unconsciousness.

And somewhere in the darkness, amid the dying crackle of the lightning and the snapping of the last little flames, just before it all cut to static, he heard a voice - Yami Malik.

"Next time, let's just stick to the card game rules on these fights".

"...Agreed."

Then there was silence in the inky depths, a dead calm, a calm dead, an inky calm in the dead depths, and he ran out of word combos.

* * *

**END**

* * *

**(And so Kaiba decided never to play a role-playing game again, ****_ever_****)**

* * *

**Notes:**

**1. **Play on the early manga - Yami Yugi would always say that 'you have trespassed on my/my friend's soul/souls!' just before he began a Shadow Game.

**2. **Roleplay/D&D references abound in that passage; because I just couldn't resist it~


	10. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

The kitchen was dead, destroyed, annihilated. It had bitten the dust, it had come off second best, it had gone to another place; a better place. A fine white ash had settled on the black and charred remnants of the benches, the burnt vinyl of which was a strong, almost tangible smell. There was nothing visible of the polished oak flooring, burned ebony by the fire, and cluttered as it was with pieces of wreckage, larger chunks that had somehow avoided being trampled, smaller pieces crushed into a powder by the sheer weight of the combatants. A hole had been torn in one of the walls; a colossal fireball's impact, perhaps; and the smoke was heavy and acrid, making the CEO blink, his eyes watering as he struggled to stand.

He had only just woken, and hazy though his memories were, they were enough for the time being. There had been a god... two... three... ah, yes.

So, the brunette had somehow killed a god, as silly as that sounded. Well - teeeeechnically, he'd killed _two _gods - he'd sacrificed one to kill the other, only then the other had gotten right back up, then presumably taken down by a third god, but all that just sounded even sillier.

So.

Seto Kaiba had _killed a god. _With his Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon, no less.

This, by the way, was roughly equivalent to taking down Godzilla with a pocket knife; the latter was dangerous in its own right, but it was still going to be an uphill battle.

Sure, his white coat was blackened with soot, his face streaked with a mix of dirt and ash, and his limbs felt as heavy and immobile as tree trunks. That certainly didn't stop him throwing his head back and laughing as only the CEO of Kaiba Corp could. He had killed a god, and not just any god, but the _top _god! With his precious Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon, anything was possible!

Yes, he could definitely take on Yugi now.

With the sort of smirk planted across his features that was likely to have caused the extinctions of the Irish wolf and Australian thylacine sometime in its past (never mind the puppies), Kaiba strode from the room, ducking through a large and convenient hole blown in the wall, where the double doors had used to stand, and marching into the hallway-

"Hellooo, Kaiba-boy! So glad that you could join us!"

_Ignore ignore ignore._

Without further ado, Kaiba pointed in a most accusing fashion at Yugi; but the pipsqueak was currently standing with his buddies before the television screen, so that, since he had already given the brunette a passing glance over his shoulder, the rival did not see that the CEO was, in fact, pointing - or if he somehow did, he chose to ignore it. After an expectant pause which was never fulfilled, Kaiba decided to remove his attention from Yugi momentarily, in order to at least complete the all-important task of scowling at the other members of his team.

Isono, of course, was standing as neutrally as ever, his suit somehow still immaculate despite the blast he'd presumably been through earlier, as well as the nosedive he had taken in order to save his master. Calm and utterly unruffled, he stood as though nothing at all had happened; and yet he somehow appeared to be ready for absolutely anything_._ To be honest, it was nice to see _some _semblance of normality around here, given the strange turn things had taken ever since Pegasus had dragged everyone into this ridiculous game...

Mokuba formed a sharp contrast to the suited man; a contrast which, had Kaiba possessed any real sixth sense (by which we of course mean the all important 'sense of humor'), he might have snickered a little boy's clothes were all ragged and dirty, and to make matters even worse, he insisted on posing at the big man's side on one leg, palms tilted upwards, in a stance which was clearly _meant _to invoke a hint of some wise old monk (or more likely, Jackie Chan), but in reality more closely resembled a character from some obscure skit of Monty Python's, with just a dash of Mr. Bean mixed in.

He couldn't have looked _less_ like the heir to KaibaCorp if he had been trying.

Yami Marik, meanwhile, appeared to be huddled in a corner, rocking back and forwards on his heels, clenching a knife between his teeth, and in general looking as though he might attempt to run someone through at any moment. His eyes were narrowed to near-slits, and he occasionally made a sharp, jerking motion with his right hand, as though throwing a blade. Whether this new behaviour was merely some extra development on the psychopath's mental illness, or the result of a lost Shadow Game, Kaiba couldn't tell.

Deciding to ignore the farce that appeared to be calling itself his _team _(what a joke), the CEO instead focused on his rival, pointing once again. "Yugi Moto!", he declared, with all the charm and grace of a Tyrannosaurus Rex negotiating an obstacle course, "I have defeated the ultimate god - I have _killed _the Winged Dragon of Ra! Now, you will duel me!"

"Ohhh, but _Kaaaaaiba_ - boy! We can't have that sort of behaviour here!" The CEO gritted his teeth at the drawn out vowel sound, taking a slow step away from his target, determined to resist the sudden urge to strangle the television. To be honest, he couldn't be sure if such a thing was even possible, but to heck with that - he would find _some _way of doing just that if he became angry enough.

"And _why _not?", he snarled out at last - not an easy task when one was attempting to speak through an expression that was as hard as stone. It resulted in an odd little hiss coming into his voice, and a little spray of saliva punctuating his words.

"_Because_," said the older man, his smile and voice suddenly gentle yet condescending, as though he were speaking to a very small child, "I want Yugi-boy to be in the cooking eliminations with Yami Marik here. They _both _blew up my kitchen." A hand went over his forehead, palm outwards, as he moaned - "All my hard work, ruined!" Throwing up both hands, Pegasus then proceeded to lay his head on some table, set just below the screen; one brown eye stared dolefully into the camera. "Yugi-boy, Yami Marik... I can hardly believe that anyone could be _such_ a bad sport! Surely, Kaiba-boy, you must agree that they should compete in the elimination round against each other!"

A slight pause, then the older man sat bolt upright, an index finger raised, as though he had just had an excellent idea. "Only one will walk away! I wonder who it could be?"

Kaiba's eyes narrowed, his gaze intensified - in fact, these two things happened to such great extent as to turn the man's eyes into nature's equivalent of lasers, but I digress. "And how are they supposed to cook if the kitchen-"

"Don't worry about that, Kaiba-boy!" A merry grin at the whole group, with an added cheeky wink at Yami Marik - a gesture more likely to be meant for everyone else, in all honesty, given that the madman was hardly listening at this stage. "I just wouldn't be Pegasus J. Crawford if I wasn't rich beyond anyone's wildest dreams!"

"Your _point?_", Kaiba managed, after a long second of trying to rein in his temper and only _just_ managing to hold onto it.

"Well, despite you not asking anywhere _near _as nicely as you could have..." - and here, a terrifyingly cold glare - "...I suppose I shall tell you. You see, there is not merely _one _kitchen on this ship."

A huge and highly dramatic rumble from behind made the brunette turn on his heel, somehow keeping perfect balance even with the floor vibrating underneath him. As it happened, nerves of steel backed with a desire not to show awe in front of Pegasus turned out to be the only thing between him and an unsightly jaw-drop.

You see, the old kitchen - that mess of ash and smoke, burned beyond repair - well, it was quite literally sinking into the floor. The charred cabinets and cracked shelves were the first to go, the damaged fridges and whatever was left of the ovens following - each sliding down into some sort of cavity. Kaiba thought he caught the steely glint of a travelator, ferrying the equipment to some new position, but he couldn't be quite sure.

As the group watched, another, much cleaner floor - grey tiles, speckled and swirled through with marble flecks - slid out over the old one, locked downwards into place, and _another _kitchen rose up from holes opening in the floor. This one was very different from the previous one, being an absolute mass of silver - from the granite benches (decorated with Blue-Eyes Toon Dragon engravings), to the steely cupboards with those obnoxious little ornamental handles (carefully moulded to bear some resemblance to the wings on a Blue-Eyes Toon Dragon), to the bluish-grey fridges (coated in Blue-Eyes Toon Dragon fridge magnets), it was evident that there was a little colour theme going on here.

Not to mention _another _theme, but the brunette was far too proud to admit that one.

The damaged walls now revealed themselves to be mere boards, for they slid away on a set of glittering silver rails, and new panes swished out seconds later to take their place over the walls, each tinted a bright blue, and each decorated with pictures of Blue-Eyes White Dragons that might just have been even more derogatory than the first wall's tableu. The wall closest to Kaiba was the last to slide into place, the double doors all silver and plexiglass, the Blue-Eyes Toon dragons performing some sort of bizarre dance that was most likely ripped straight from that myre-pit of human civility (also known as the internet).

A string quartet suddenly blared Pachabel's Canon or some such rubbish from the speakers, partially deafening all present. This was accompanied by an obnoxiously grand gesture from Pegasus, whose guard was now wheeling him to the doors; out of the corner of his eye, the brunette caught a gesture from Joey best described as 'grandly obnoxious'.

"There are exactly one-hundred and seventy-seven kitchen settings, each of which I can swap to at will!", the silver haired man boasted, then looked directly at Kaiba: "I thought you might like this theme best of all, Kaiba-boy."

The CEO would have spat out his drink, had he actually had a drink to spit out.

_One hundred and seventy-seven? Seriously?_

"How _exactly _did yo-"

"Kaiba-boy, I might as well ask you 'How does your Duel Disk work?', and expect an answer!" A sly tap of the nose, a gesture that might have had some place some time ago, but was now regarded in society as utterly meaningless. "We all have our little _trade secrets_, yes?"

The brunette glared for a long time at his rival, who simply smiled back - and the grin was as bright as the sun and cheerful as a child who had just discovered another use for crayons. It was one of those smiles that you wouldn't normally see on a twenty-one year old man, and yet it flickered lazily across his features as though the sun had just come out from behind a cloud, and-

"Fine!" With a snort, Kaiba tossed his head, sticking his nose in the air - because _dammit_, there was no way he was giving Pegasus extra description time. "I am very tired. With your leave-"

"Oh dearie me, just look at the _time! _Well past two in the morning!", the older man exclaimed, then began nodding vigorously. "You had all better get to bed!" A cheeky wink. "And no late - night duelling, hmmm?"

Some of the others mumbled what sounded suspiciously like 'Yes, Pegasus', but Kaiba didn't even_ bother_ answering that; he just stalked out of the room, ducking down the corridors as he moved towards his bedroom, towards blessed sleep, and an escape from this madness.

* * *

Unfortunately, Kaiba was rudely awakened from his slumber by an odd scratching and thumping; underscored by a dull shuffling of feet, and a plaintive whine of _Kaiiiiiba, Kaiiiiiiba_. Doing the sensible thing (_Kaiiiiiba)_, the CEO pulled the covers over his head (_Kaiiiiiba)_, mumbling for security, It was only after several minutes of the noise that he remembered that (_Kaiiiiiba_) security was not about to come, and Whatever-It-Was was only about to get worse, until he-

_Kaiiiiiba!_

-snapped.

"That does it!", Kaiba snarled, dragging himself out of bed and striding to the door, ignoring his own body's pleas as the blood went rushing to his head. He ripped the door open, and there was the midnight intruder, standing before the CEO with the limp body of Kaiba's rival dragging on the floor behind her.

_Anzu? _

"It's about time," she growled - somewhat uncharacteristically, her usually expressive face wiped blank. The overall impression was unsettling, so much so that the CEO was forced to blink in disbelief, before resetting his features to something suitably stony. He certainly hadn't been expecting this, after all, and he didn't _want _it either - after all, this girl had absolutely no right whatsoever to be barging into _his _bedroom, subduing _his _rival - ahhh, there went his temper again-

"Excuse me - I'm not feeling quite… _myself_." She grinned then; an utterly psychopathic look that had Kaiba losing all respect he might have previously had for this useless cheerleader of Yugi's in roughly two seconds. Luckily, that wasn't very much respect to be losing, but it was still enough to make the man pause for a moment, blink, then go to thunder at this impudent, insolent, unintelligent little-

-and the Puzzle slammed into the side of Kaiba's head with far more strength than that puny girl could possibly have in her entire body. It made the man stagger back with a surprised grunt, his right hand swinging a nonexistent briefcase in retaliation - though of course, seeing as the briefcase was nonexistent, the action only made him stagger more. Anzu closed in on him, catching him off balance and pushing him into the wall like a predator about to take its prey; its very big, far more _dangerous_ prey, but that was besides the point. So stunned was Kaiba that someone had actually managed to break his guard, so sleepy he was, that he forgot to kick or punch-

And so, Seto Kaiba, the little lord of cards, chief of the almighty company KaibaCorp, owner of the very airship he now stood on - defeater of a freaking _god_, for goodness sake-

-crumpled in a heap, having been subdued by a girl who stood at less than three-quarters his height, who was younger than him and weaker than him - he couldn't help but feel that this was beginning to become a bad habit. Then again, at least Anzu was armed, which eased the humiliation factor slightly - she hadn't technically beaten him in a fair fight, only bashed a tired Kaiba's head in with Yugi's clunky fashion item - a pyramid that looked to be made of solid gold.

All the same, he couldn't really say that it was going to look very good on the epitaph.

* * *

After a bit of lying on the floor, slowly bleeding as Anzu waited - for him to die or for something else to happen, Kaiba wasn't entirely sure what - noises filled the young man's head, seeming to spill into the silence of the corridor from somewhere _else_.

"Ahhh, good."

A blur of white and blue appeared out of nowhere, hovering before his eyes; saying more words - congratulating Anzu, even if it appeared to have utterly misplaced her name and had decided somewhere along the line that the girl looked an awful lot like that-wimpy-Malik-guy-who-collapsed-in-the-early-ro unds. Nevertheless, the girl seemed to take the blur's thanks to heart, giggling with its maniacal laughter - though Kaiba was distracted from that by the dull greys of the room darkening, reddening, until it was fairly obvious that Kaiba wasn't exactly in Kans- in his _airship _anymore.

"So, you're here." A sharp pain in the man's side indicated that he was being kicked. "C'mon, get up."

With a sudden burst of adrenaline, the CEO shot to his feet - only to find that he was no longer dripping blood all over the floor. He looked about him, his features set in a puzzled sort of scowl (if a scowl could really be all that puzzled), taking in the white-haired weirdo before him (another moron who had collapsed during the early rounds, though definitely less nice than Malik), and the narrow walls of the corridor that surrounded the two of them; the cracked mud-bricks, the peeling hieroglyphics, the dead ends blocked with rubble at each exit-

"Yes, we're trapped", the other teenager growled, baring his teeth in the process. "Just get on with it."

Kaiba glared down at him, his expression going haughty. "Get on with what?"

"You - have - to - find - the - _door_," the pale teen enunciated, as though he was talking to a small child.

Kaiba didn't even bother answering that; he simply turned and stalked towards the dead end, determined not to let any more idiots get the better of him. There were no doors in this place, and the brunette didn't believe in the supernatural; additionally, he had absolutely _no reason whatsoever _to be helping this teenager, nor did he wish to. He walked off, leaving the brat behind him, satisfied that he had won-

The only problem with _that _was that the mess of bricks and cement slid open before him, glowing brightly. His unwanted companion gave an absolute howl of triumph as he bolted right past Kaiba, and into whatever secret room awaited the two of them; a few seconds later, he was laughing again. "Ahahaha! Excellent!"

_...Goddammit._

* * *

**END**

**(And so everyone conveniently forgot to congratulate Kaiba on his epic win of epicness against a god.)**

* * *

**UAB**

Late? What do you mean, late?


End file.
